


Kaizen's Ravel

by SondersDawn



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Character Deaths, Corruption, Deaths, F/M, Feels, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Graymorals, Hierarchy, How Do I Tag, I’m so bad at tags, Nobility, Protective Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Psychopath, Slight Canon Divergence, Slow Burn, Some of the characters are fucked up, Suicide, There will be manga spoilers, Violence, graphic descriptions of dead people, implied suicide, let’s crack open trauma, theking'sassembly, yeah this was never meant to be a carefree story, youre warned
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-09
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:40:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 39,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27476692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SondersDawn/pseuds/SondersDawn
Summary: A slowburn Levi x OC FanficIn which an empathetic soldier gives a total stranger from the underground reasons to view the world as something beautiful while hiding her own struggles. And as time goes on, a deep bond is established between the two, a precedent that even in this cruel world, hope may be sparse but is not chimeric dream. Yet, those struggles would grow to become the same demons that have haunted her for years on end. Everything she once hid would resurface all again, including the people of her past and what they brought. As the ghosts of her past return, her struggle to make amends with those of yore reveals something even darker.𝚆𝙰𝚁𝙽𝙸𝙽𝙶 : 𝚆𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚌𝚘𝚗𝚝𝚊𝚒𝚗 𝚖𝚊𝚗𝚐𝚊 𝚜𝚙𝚘𝚒𝚕𝚎𝚛𝚜 𝚒𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚏𝚞𝚝𝚞𝚛𝚎 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚌𝚘𝚗𝚝𝚊𝚒𝚗𝚜 𝚐𝚛𝚊𝚙𝚑𝚒𝚌 𝚍𝚎𝚙𝚒𝚌𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚜 𝚘𝚏 𝚟𝚒𝚘𝚕𝚎𝚗𝚌𝚎 𝚊𝚜 𝚠𝚎𝚕𝚕 𝚊𝚜 𝚘𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚝𝚛𝚒𝚐𝚐𝚎𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚜𝚞𝚋𝚓𝚎𝚌𝚝𝚜
Relationships: Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin)/Original Character(s), Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin)/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 48





	1. Inescapable Reality

**Author's Note:**

> Apologies for any grammar, punctuation, or spelling mistakes. English isn’t my first language. Please inform me if there are any and I’ll fix it (ง'̀-'́)ง

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first chapter and Prologue of Kaizen’s Ravel
> 
> Ethel witnesses yet another common reoccurrence -death and contemplates her past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Mentions of violence and suicide that may upset viewers.

The winds of the outside blew the capes of the Survey Corps like falling leaves. All of them, falling as blood stained the wings of freedom. Giant winds that swept them down were not kind to the green blades of undergrowth. They tumbled and rolled, a dark scarlet crimson color painting it's natural green. Stained with the color of blood, the metallic scent wavering in the air filled her nose. It became the only scent she could detect after being around blood for years. 

She had once wondered what laid beyond the walls. Five years later, the answer became underwhelming. With every blink of the eye she wished to see the utopian land her mother had once described. 

Instead, all she saw was a mass grave of the dead. 

The fog had parted, revealing the newly dead dozen of soldiers of the Survey Corps. And the medic stood there, alive yet still. Her hands trembled, her eyes wide and unblinking. Her body froze at the sight of her dead comrades. They were being eaten alive, they were dead, and their bodies were torn from limb to limb. She couldn't believe it. Underneath the beautiful azure blue sky laid the inescapable reality of the egregious world. Where birds roam just as free as titans. Those monstrous creatures surrounded her domicile. 

There were dead bodies they vomited up. The scouts who had fallen in, flesh and skin melted to stick, bones crunched into a dozen pieces protruding out of their body. The groups of vomited scouts littered the sides. Tossed out for the distinct purpose of having more room to eat more humans. 

Two stallions galloped past her, throwing her out of her trance. The earth beneath her shook some more with the pounding footsteps of the giants. The two stopped, a familiar young girl looking over at her. 

She snapped out of her trance, clearing her throat. 

"What happened here?" The redhead asked with quiet horror. 

She cleared her throat, peeling her eyes away from the sight. "Get out of here!" The medic screamed. In the distance, followed by another as an unknown scout fell into a mouth. 

"Farlan... oh god."

"I said get the hell away from here!" The medic screamed yet again. Her voice strained and cracked, black hair flowing with the wind, her green eyes filled with desperation.

"What about you?!" The ashy blonde asked, alternating conflicted glances at her and at the group of titans. 

"I'm a medic. I'll search for survivors." She answered quickly, ignoring their uneasy glances. After all, behind her were the dead bodies of a dozen scouts. In the distance, a young man was being eaten alive by a group of titans. 

"We'll distract them for you." The girl said with full determination in her eyes. 

"Look, I know you guys are new. And I know you are better than even some veterans. Isabel I had a great time spending dinner with you. But for fuck's sake just leave!" She screamed at them. 

"What about you?!" 

"This is my job. I can take care of myself." 

Isabel looked over to Farlan, and the two nodded. "We'll help you, Ethel. Get as many survivors as you can." 

"Wait. WAIT DON'T-" She screamed after them. But they galloped into the distance. Disappearing into the face of death. Into their own suicide. "Please... don't die." 

She dug her fingers into her palms, shouting out a curse. Shakily breathing, the medic exhaled. An eerie tranquility washed over her, and she closed her eyes. 

_Focus_ , Ethel told herself over and over again. _Help the injured. Look for survivors. Don't let their efforts be in vain._ Brushing aside the black hair that stuck to her face, she frantically searched around for a survivor. Her legs took her from one to another, her trembling hands checking their neck for a pulse. 

She ran around, her bags filled with medical equipment weighing down from her back and each of her shoulder. All that met her were the dead eyes of the people she had knew. Once talked and laughed with. They had no more life to them. Just staring into oblivion. 

Ethel scrambled from one soldier to another, searching for the faintest of breaths or pulse. Yet nothing. 

"Just one, come on." The medic pleaded to herself, nearly tripping over her own feet as she ran over to the last body. His familiar face greeted her. Not with the livihood it once did, instead with fear animated on his features. Once brown eyes that held light in their dark irises now deprived of light. His skin sent chilling ripples through her fingers to her arms as she searched for a pulse. "Come on, Kaiser. Your sister needs you."

Instead of a beating heart, there was nothing. No pulse, no beat, no inhales or exhales. "Shit!" She cursed, closing her eyes and covering her face.

It felt so hopeless. 

Ten scouts dead. And she could do nothing.

"ISABEL!" A voice rippled through her air. The medic stood up, her eyes catching onto a head protruding out from the dull teeth of a tall titan. 

_"We'll help you, Ethel. Get as many survivors as you can."_

_No, not them._

Her legs moved before her mind worked. Eyes fixated on the ashy blonde who screamed in rage, she tumbled onto the ground. Ignoring the spark of pain on her hip, she scrambled to get up. Rain framed her hair around her face, the fog kind enough to cover the completely atrocities of reality. Her footsteps weighed heavy, as the equipment that weighed heavier than her pulled her down. Her feet sunk into the mud with every movement, the rain only worsening the conditions.

He glared at the titan, blades drawn and a tail of gas behind him.

"FARLAN DON'T!" Her voice came too slow. Or it had been drowned by the howling wind. 

The tallest titan eyed him. Farlan halted in shock. Perhaps it was realization. Or maybe it was the blood stained in its lips and yellow teeth. 

How this titan is the very damn monster that took Isabel’s life. 

It's black eyes stared into his, teeth stained with blood. Her hands groped for a familiar handle. Pulling it, the bags on her sides tumbled down to the ground. her instincts acted on itself, her hands reaching for the blades by her side. She pulled them out, shooting her right grappling hook towards the titan's hand that held Farlan.

It brought him closer and closer to its mouth. 

She pressed on the gas, and propelled her rather small body towards the immensity. 

Farlan in the midst of his panic, searched for something. Anything that was human. Anything that would tell him he wouldn't die alone. Fear consumed him before the titan did. And in the darkness, his eyes caught the eyes of the field medic. Her blades drawn, like a beacon of hope. His face relaxed, and a shadow loomed over him. 

She could save him

Coldness hit, pain rippled through his upper half. A scream stuck in his throat, he watched as she sped past the nape of the titan. 

It was too late. 

She couldn't save him.

Time slowed, but the pain kept coming. Then, it began to dissipate. Farlan just knew at that moment, he would die.

The medic swerved around, her arms reaching for him. The colors blended in. Farlan no longer knew who she was. What happened to him. 

Blood gushed from his missing legs. She caught him with her arms, bringing him to a tumble on her hip on the wet grassland. Another earth quaking shake shook the ground, the dead titan falling onto the dirt.

Another horse galloped past the two. 

She opened her mouth and her facial features recoiled, as if screaming a pained sound that became deaf to his ears. His head felt dizzy, and he moved his hands, searching for the woman. 

She stopped, and with a smile, knelt down beside him. Her hand slipped itself into his, her other arm held his head up. 

He coughed, the taste of liquid copper filling his senses. 

"Hey. How are you feeling?" She asked in a soft voice. 

"Who.. are you?" 

Ethel stopped for a second. She saw his eyes, covered by his own darkened blood, His intestines hung, sprawled on the grass. Ethel swallowed hard, memories of a familiar scene resurfacing in her head. The silent cries for help. The blood. The two as they died painfully. Her hand tightened its hold on his, and she shut her own eyes. 

_No, not now._

_He's lost too much blood._

"Isabel." The medic replied, the same soft smile on her lips. "You remember me, don't you, Farlan?" 

He chuckled, coughing up blood. It painted her hands, specks of it got onto her face. She didn't care. Her only objective now was to comfort this dying soldier. "Of course. Didn't you..." he paused to cough up more blood. She lifted his head up with her knee, scooping the blood out from his throat. "Die?" 

The medic giggled lightly, as if it was all a joke. "Nice one, Farlan. I'm alive, see? I'm holding your hand. See?" She lifted the hand that still clutched onto his. His face had gone pale. 

"Right." He smiled. 

"You saved me, remember?" She asked quietly, the tumbling of dead titans behind her shaking the earth. 

"I've been telling you." He spoke quietly, his voice unable to muster strength. "I've always been the better one." 

She chuckled heartily, nodding her head. "You always have been. But I'll dethrone you one day, Farlan." 

His vision became completely blackened. His body had been deprived of warmth. Farlan knew he would die. And having someone he knew by his side as he died... it brought him some comfort. To have a source of warmth as his body lost its, coldness sweeping through.

"It's getting cold." 

"Of course it's cold, you dummy. It's raining out here." 

"It's dark, Isabel. I think... I'm going to die." 

She stifled her emotions, mustering up the last of her mental capacity. "Find peace. Farlan. You've done so much for Levi and I. You saved my life. Now, sleep well, Farlan. I'll miss you." 

"Tell Levi that, it wasn't his fault." He coughed, and the scarlet crimson liquid painted her hands again. She dug her fingers into his throat, scooping out the blood and flinging it to the side. "And that I'm glad I came up here."

"It's beautiful, isn't it?"

He let out a weary smile, eyes closing. He let out a nod. 

His eyes reopened, and his head fell to the side. His hand loosened its hold, and met the grass. Ethel pulled out a small blade, cutting away at his badge, name stitched underneath. 

She took one last look at his dead eyes, and closed them with her clean hand. 

"Of course, Farlan."

The medic stood up, facing the gray sky above. Ethel wiped her dirtied hand on her cape and tucked the badge away into her pocket. She closed her eyes, allowing the soft droplets of rain to kiss her face. They washed away the droplets of red. They dripped to the corners of her face, falling to the ground. 

Five years into this horror story, and it never seemed to end. Scenarios like these, she became long used to it. The pain never left, however. It never became numbed. She only got more and more tired. She wondered if he really believed that she was Isabel. If he found peace in his last few seconds on this land. The throbbing weight in her chest suffocated her, and she held on tighter to the blades by her side. 

Ethel remembered the time where she once had a myriad of wishes and visions. Now, they're the only thing that led her psyche away from the rancorous world and it's acrimonious nature. 

There was no place anyone would call haven. 

Well perhaps one. Perhaps she could've changed everything if she didn't chose the coward's path out. 

__

_As a doe-eyed child, she loved to play ridiculous games with her brother Finnick and the other children of the nobles. With twinkles in their eyes, they would play out characters. Quinn Cardina would enact Commander Wagner, the 11th Commander of the Survey Corps. He was a scrawny young child, whenever he swung sticks as if they were blades, he did so vehemently. Lyss Harlot played the heroic female soldier, who died defending the damsel._

_Finnick would play as the titan, a monstrous creature as he loomed over them, stomping his feet onto the concrete pavement, hands reaching for us with a hunger in his monochromatic irises. His hair would be swept to the front of his face, he bore his teeth, and ran around chasing whoever was playing the damsel in distress. Her elder brother enjoyed being the titan. The massive giants who inflict harm on people. Ethel was the youngest of the bunch at the time. She naturally, became the damsel._

_Quinn Cardina would then step in, hands on hips as he held his head high. With a single strike of the stick, the gigantic titan which loomed over the damsel horribly acted features fell down face-forward. Magmus played Humanity's Soldier, who was supposed to be dead. Kuklo was his name, a legend passed down from generation to generation as the fearless Titan's Son who escaped the walls to see a titan._

_Magmus made the finishing blow, he and the damsel fell in love, there is a wedding, and so the story continues with however their juvenile minds wanted it to continue._

_To think that it was over two decades ago....when life had been normal for someone who hasn't even seen the harsh reality of poverty. Strange nostalgia rippled through the mind._

____

Perhaps, she thought. If I had simply taken the life that was meant for me. If I had chose the coward's path. Life would've been easier. 

A figure a few centimeters taller than her stepped beside the medic. His hair covered his eyes, and he looked down to his friend. What remained of Farlan laid next to what remained of Isabel. 

She looked to her side, remembering the other friend Isabel had always told her about. Levi, he had always been the strongest and most adept. He was the sole survivor other than her. 

_did he kill all those other titans?_

His eyes finally traveled elsewhere to the severed head of Isabel. He stepped in front of her, then collapsed to his knees. His arm had a gash from his shoulder to his elbow, the cloth of his cape torn and dripping with his blood. His hand covered her face one last time. Something torn within his chest, like an explosion of agony he couldn't explain. His hand covered her eyes, gently closing them to rest. 

Seeing his face, she forced herself to contain all of it. After all, it had been her mental capacity that got her into this position. And that mental strength had been cracking for much too long now. The medic had saw the dead body of Kaiser Diamant, a dead close comrade of hers far off in the distance. Fear animated in his face as he laid on the ground, bones broken and flesh torn as blood painted his pale skin.

Had Fate always been so cruel? 

The memory of her childhood friends arose. And what she had done. Her own disgraceful vices and unforgettable sins. 

During the irreversible years of juvenescence, among the gauging eyes of aristocrats and plutocrats, their gazes had held nothing but the reckoning desires for the succession of their children to flourish the name of their patriarch. The coercion of those insistent parents held a continuum of domination even after the death of its former. Their unrelenting will for the ascendancy of the family bloodline and the hegemony over the weak passed from generation to generation. They cared for nothing but the inertia of their surname, the power it once held, and the power it still holds.

The chaffer for honor and pride, fruition of their careers, and the wads of currency under their nose were what the inner citizens of Wall Sina cared for. They marry for power, continue their bloodline for capacity and wealth, and place the expectations they have never fulfilled onto the still growing shoulders of their descendants.

The upper middle class wants to marry to the noble families of the king, the nobles want to marry their son or daughter to the prince or princess who will inherit the throne. That was not what her parents wanted for her. At least that was the story she managed to piece together from her mess of a childhood. 

And it became their very actions that sent them to their graves. 

She should have known better. Still, after that harrowing, malfeasance among officials continued on, hierarchy still reganted over the inhabitants of the Walls.

She wondered what her family would've thought about her choices. They would probably disavow her entire existence. Their despondency clearer than glass. It had always been those children who were condemned from society to find the smallest of faith in humanity in the most unexpected of things. She feared that the sliver of hope was fleeting second by second. 

Maybe, ending it all would be better. 

She had once had a vision of the place within the walls. Told herself that she would make change. To find some inspiration to make change. 

And underneath this rain in the grass littered by the corpses of comrades. She only desperately searched for a reason to keep going forward. 

"Hey!" The familiar voice of her squad captain rang in her ears. "Are there any survivors out there?" 

The field medic turned around, meeting his blue eyes. Four horses galloped towards them, with Miche holding two reins. "Levi? Ethel? Only you two?" 

She nodded, with a heavy heart, not knowing how she had managed to stand. 

Ethel trusted herself when it came with medicine. It had been the only thing she understood. The malfunctions of anyone's body and how to fix it. The biology of humans itself. After that night, she told herself she would be a doctor. And yet, the road to one was so blurred. 

Ethel remembered the hardships it took for her to become a field medic after abandoning her position as a doctor. The muscle tears and the sprains it took brought her to become the soldier she is. Her childhood shaped her, the people around her helping to make her stronger than she had ever thought she had been. And yet, as a doctor who did everything right. They still die. 

Without a word, a flash went past her. Levi jumped at her squad captain, taking him to the ground despite his small stature. He hooked his neck with his arm, throwing him to the ground with a thud, pulling his blades out. She flinched, but didn't move. Ethel couldn't bring herself to move.

"Stay back." Levi glared at Miche, speaking with venom laced in his voice. "Erwin." Levi pointed the blade at her squad captain's throat. "I'm going to kill you, you bastard."

As much as she didn't understand her captain's plan, her legs took her forward. The loud sound of the rain hid her footsteps as she sauntered towards the two. 

"So they all died? I see.." Erwin reached for his pocket, pulling out a stamped letter. "This is supposedly what I have on Nicholas Lobov."

".... So... you knew?"

"Unfortunately, you're too late."

His face morphed into one of even more hatred, blade digging deeper into his neck. 

"Hey. What are you trying to say here?"

"It was a bluff." He looked up. "I knew that Lobov was embezzling. The military funds left from the suspension of the Survey Corps these last few years. I spread false information because I wanted definitive proof to back him into a corner. Knowing how cautious he is, I thought he would make some kind of move first. As expected and with some assistance from a fellow squad member, she found out the likely suspects that he would hire. If he made a move, then there would be some trace. Following those back, the soldier confirmed who it was. It's all part of a bigger plan." 

"...Knowing so much, why did you bring us to the Survey Corps?" 

"That soldier told me you had potential. After seeing your military prowess, I agreed. And the other was to use you as partners to throw off Lobov. But there's no longer any need for that. The real documents are in right hands. With time, it all be over for Lobov." 

A silence rang through the two. She continued her quiet trek towards the two. 

"... It wasn't worth throwing away their lives! They were nothing but pawns in your worthless game!" He yelled, his arm shaking as the will to kill the man nearly overwhelmed Levi's rationale.

She stepped up behind him to the side. 

"Well, you lose." 

Her hand reached for the blade from its side, wincing as the sharp blade dug into her palms instead of Erwin's neck. He glared at her, seething and enmantong a bloodthirsty air. She met his eyes without hesitation, the pain distracting the medic from anything else she felt. Whether that be regret or conflict, she didn't know.

"Farlan's last words were for me to tell you that it wasn't your fault. And that he was glad he saw the world before he died." She spoke quietly. "I know you don't want to listen..." She paused for a few seconds. "I wouldn't either. But give him a few minutes, then decide for yourself." 

"Tch." He stopped the force digging into her palm. 

"Do you think that if you had come to attack me together that the two of them would have made it out alive?"

"That's right." Levi muttered through a clenched jaw and gritted teeth. "It was my conceit and my damn pride-"

"NO! IT WAS THE TITANS!" He lunged forward, and Ethel winced as the blade dug even deeper into her flesh. "Where did the titans come from? Why do they exist? Why do they eat people? We don't know! We're completely ignorant! And as long as we stay ignorant, they'll keep eating us. We'll never turn the tables on them by staying inside the walls. Look around you! In this wide open place, there are no walls, no matter how far you go. Here, there might be something to free us from our despair. But there are people who would keep us from leaving the walls. They stay where danger can't reach them, obsessively thinking only about their own profits and losses. It's understandable. The clouded eyes of mankind blocked by hundreds of years by the walls. They can't see the other side. What about you, Levi? Have your eyes remained clouded?" He loomed over the short man. "Will you kill me, and return to the dark underground? We won't give up on going outside the walls. Fight with the survey corps Levi. Humanity needs you!" 

Ethel knew her captain always had that charisma to him. The abilities of a leader. Perhaps that is the reason why she stayed for so long.

He released the blade, and it clanged into the ground. Her blood splattered, but this pain was only one of many. 

"...From here on out, there's no deal." 

Erwin smiled slightly.

Ethel breathed an uneasy breath. She tucked away her facade, pain crossing her eyes. Her hand twitched, and she held the badge up to him. "He went into shock, and there was a surge of adrenaline. It wouldn't have hurt." 

Levi looked to the side at the medic who stood quietly. In her hand, was a badge. "It's Farlan's. You should keep it, as a memory of his life." 

His hand reached up, taking what she had previously held. She smiled lightly, through her own grief and pain. "You're wounded. Let's get the wounds stitched up."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited* 
> 
> Sort of confusing first chapter, with all the guilt mentioned and sort. But all of those will be explained later on. This chapter is mostly focused on developing Ethel’s character and her mindset. And I found first person to be the easiest way to do that. There will be more third-person perspectives coming up. 
> 
> For now, thanks for reading Kaizen’s Ravel  
> ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)


	2. Unopened Letter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, author here. I've unpublished almost all of the chapters because over the weeks as I've been editing the ones I've written, I became extremely displeased of my own work. The writing felt odd, and it didn't match how I had intended the story to be. I realized a few contexts that didn't fit, so I've taken it upon myself to completely rewrite the first few chapters. Thank you for staying with me, and updates will still be weekly.

The sounds of psithurism were among the only sounds audible to her ears as she rested her hands atop the typewriter. Her bandaged one sent waves of pain, but it had become nothing new. She looked around the empty clinic tiredly, remembering how it was once filled with her now dead comrades. They had either all died this or the last mission, where there had been a case of miscommunication.

Field medics were among the most physically and intellectually adept members in the military. And though Ethel had never been as strong as Miche or Nanaba, she was among some of the best after being in the corps for so long. Her qualification for getting in was her medical degree. And unlike the weeks given to normal medics, the soldier had been trained professionally for medical emergencies. Still, it began to unravel. 

The clinic physician knocked on her door, and she tiredly gave a thumbs up, signaling that the reports for the mission were finished. She stretched her arms, groaning as she did. Soon, the clicking of the typewriter continued.

A knock on the door came, and it clicked open. She smiled as her squad captain entered, closing it behind him. "How are you today, Erwin?"

"You're supposed to call me Squad Leader in front of officials, Ethel." He sighed jokingly, sitting down in front of her. "And you're rather composed today."

"Blame Hange. And aren't I composed... like every day?"

He chuckled, skimming over the reports she had typed up. "Which family does this letter go to?"

She tilted her head, thinking for a few seconds. "Zacryis?"

"You do know that you don't have to do this."

"Takes my mind off of things." She replied with a smile. "Kaiser died. Who would've thought. That man out of anyone else. Complaining about his sister everyday."

She paused, her eyes burning as she blinked. "I'll miss that."

"You have a way with people, after all."

"So why are you here? Court martial?"

"Yes. You know me too well."

"I've known you for five years." She added quietly. "Levi?"

"Yes. The military police wants him in prison."

"I should thank my father for establishing his status." The medic chuckled humorlessly. "Considering his crimes, they will go off with its complete enumeration. I can't guarantee it, but I can shift things to your side if Zackley still remembers my father."

"That's fair enough. And I have another favor to ask."

"Yes?"

"I think Levi is fit to be a Squad Leader. Either way, as a cadet he will need to learn the art of reading and writing."

She paused for a moment. Ethel exhaled tiredly through her nostrils. "Are you suggesting something?"

"Can you teach him? How to read or write?"

"No." She replied curtly. "It's not. Like. I want to. I really do. But. Situations. How do I say this? First, I'm the person who was unable to save his friend from the titans. I don't know if you can pick up on the cue but that isn't a very good place for us to start. Second, I have a lot of things on my agenda right now and." She paused herself. Ethel looked down, hand on her forehead as she exhaled tiredly. "I'll do it. Forget it. Give me some time, I'll find a study plan of sorts. I'll teach him."

Erwin smiled graciously, opening his mouth to speak.

"You're welcome." She cut him off before he could begin.

"This isn't like you." He commented.

She smiled lightly, knowing how she must've looked. Ethel returned from the mission today having sown stitched on wounds, relocating bones, and nearly dying twice. Nothing new. "I'm tired, that's all. Someone from the bioengineering department bombed me with questions today about the pH level in titans. Wanted to recreate it to make some kind of water gun to spray on them. I told them it was a bad idea. The acid would say hi hi to everything they meet and then everything they touch would go bye bye."

"How dangerous is their stomach acid?"

"Well the lowest pH is about one to three and a half which by itself is extremely acidic hence the name acid. Within the acid are enzymes. To prevent the enzymes from digesting the stomach, it secretes a neutralizing mucus that clings onto the stomach walls. It can basically destroy some metal spoon."

"And what answer did you give?"

"So you know how the stomach has a two layer mucus system?"

He shook his head, leaning back on his chair. "No. But you're the only person who probably makes me listen to these things. Go on."

She snorted. "Thanks. One layer, the inner layer is an attached mucus and the other one. The outer mucus layer is loose. They're both built by the MUC5AC mucin which is produced by the superficial epithelium. And mucous cells are the ones who produced mucus. So I told them unless you know, they could find some sort of way to get mucous cells, clump them into glands, line them on some mucous membranes and then line these mucous membranes alongside whatever bottle they plan to keep the acid in and then somehow keep those cells alive and dividing or multiplying whatever they're called. But before all of them they need to somehow get a layer of epithelial cells underneath the mucus. So takeaway. Far far too complicated. Sorry. I've been rambling on and on."

"No no. New knowledge obtained."

"Well then." Ethel stood up, using her hands as leverage. She suddenly held her right and bandaged hand, biting her lip to not curse a storm in front of her squad captain. She shook her hand, then held out her other hand.

Erwin stood up, pointing at her hand with slight intrigue. "What's this?"

"New knowledge takes some sacrifice." She quipped, gesturing to her hand.

He sighed. "No laps for you tomorrow then."

The woman nodded her head, bending her back. Her hands reached for the stack of stamped letters, bundling them up and counting them. "So, what's with this act of kindness suddenly? You're kind. But what are you asking this time?"

"... remember what I said about Lobov?"

She paused for a moment. "Isn't he the rich noble in charge of the economy."

"Yes. Friends with Algar. Your cousin. I have a request for you. When Shadis retires as commander, then you can start to take it all seriously."

She finished counting the papers, pulling out one with a calligraphic handwriting on it. She shook the envelope, heading the jangle of the military dog tags. "It isn't really a request, isn't it?"

Erwin shook his head. "It is one. But just know the consequences of each path, Ethel."

"Quite a mood serial killer here, hm?" She joked, sitting back down. Her hands searched under the clipboard, looking for a slip of paper under the mess of papers. "Here is a list of soldiers who are exempt from training. If I see any one of them on the training field I will not hesitate to drag them by the ear even if I'm not tall enough."

"It's less than last time." Erwin skimmed over the paper. He folded it nearly, tucking it into a pocket. "And this will also require you give up your position as a field medic."

"It's that important for me to get a name, isn't it?" The woman smiled. After all, masking even a facade was nothing uncommon. She had been trained to smile, act as if nothing's wrong since the moment she could speak. This is nothing. "I've been in this position for years, Erwin."

It doesn't prevent from the inevitable fact that it hurt.

 _My position is to serve humanity_. She thought in an effort to calm herself down. _Not for my own happiness._

"It's better that way."

"I see." She sighed, closing her eyes for a spilt second. "Well you better get going Erwin. You're a busy man, after all."

He nodded, "Should I put these in the post office for you?"

"No I haven't written the addresses yet. I'll do it myself in a bit."

"Don't miss curfew again."

"That's not a guarantee." Ethel stood up, opening the door for him. "Have a nice day. I'll send the reports to you before curfew. When are the newer medics coming? Should I help them in any way? The clinic physician here, Doctor Harkins is also going to retire soon. They might need some assistance."

"No. They'll be fine. Shadis is having Harkins make labels. They'll figure it out. The medics are going to be veterans, Ethel."

"Good to hear."

With a polite smile, her squad leader left the place. Ethel groaned, sitting down on the stiff chair. It scraped across the wooden floor, hurting her ears. Closing her eyes, she began to time herself.

_10_

_9_

_8_

_7_

_6_

_5_

_4_

_3_

_2_

_1_

The medic straightened her back, searching through the desk to look for her pen. She searched through the desk cabinet, searching for the files of the fallen comrades. The woman paused when she got to the name, Diamant, Kaiser.

_"Y'know, Ethel. Hannah keeps blabbering on about how she'll be better than me. That'll never happen."_

_"Say that when you finish the expedition, Kaiser."_

_"No. Correction. When I come back from the expedition."_

When he comes back. She smiled a little at the memory, tucking away her emotions. She pulled out his file, searching for the envelope with his name on the front. A memory of his smiling features returned. Or rather, she forced herself to remember the days where he had been alive. And not the minutes that she spent with his dead body.   
  
  


The suffocating yet calm feeling in her chest led her to the roof. She audaciously kicked open the door to the top, breathing in the cold air.

Following the footsteps that others had set for her. Ethel had always obeyed without another word of compliant. She had became a doctor at her own will. Studied her butt off to become the best one she could ever be. Gave up her position to become a medic. All because it had been 'her own path'.

When she thought back to it, Ethel could only laugh at herself.

Did she become one to prove her brother wrong? Did she become one out of spite? When he told her that she would not be able to achieve anything?

The woman felt like she had been walking aimlessly down a dark road. She had reached a dead end, and behind her, the road shifted to hundreds of forks.

Ethel felt so lost.

She didn't want to think about her brother. Or her deceased parents. The impact they had still remained in her, shown as small rippled in her thoughts and actions. No matter how many years had passed, she could never seem to get rid of them.

_Twenty-five, and I'm fucking pathetic._

Above her laid a blanket of darkness. The canvas above held a dim gibbous moon. From its zenith, it sat demurely above a hill, where a tall tree stood upon. It's median azimuth allowed the moon to shine it's face upon the woman. She noted of Mare Imbrium and Oceanus Procellarum, the two that made up the largest dark spots on the celestial body.

The gentle breeze brought along an eerie silence. And underneath the light of the moon, she saw a figure sitting on the blocks of the roof, dangling his feet to the ground.

\--

_"The view is really beautiful up there!" The redhead girl exclaimed excitedly, moving her hands vehemently across her face. "Like there were those small dots and that even bigger dot!"_

_"You were up there on the roof?" Ethel asked with an amused chuckle, typing the rubber tourniquet on the girl's arm. She tied it tight, ensuring that blood flow had slowed._

_"Yeah! Big bro found a way up!"_

_She blinked, using her nail to get the air bubbles from the needle out. "Big bro? Is he the tallest one, Far.."_

_"Farlan! But no that's not him. I'm talking about Levi."_

_"Oh him." She smiled embarrassingly. "Yes. Him."_

_Isabel smiled mischievously. "What happened?'_

_"Oh, uh. Nothing." Ethel cleared her throat, unaware of her slightly red features._

_"Big bro called you creepy. Something happened."_

_"They um. Farlan had good ones too. He had really nice veins."_

_A silence passed between the two. She felt her face redden even more. Isabel threw her head back, laughing until she couldn't breathe. "You-- AHAHAAAA"_

_"Stay still." Ethel managed through her giggles. "Isabel I don't want to stab you."_

_"S-S-Sorry." She covered her mouth, still letting out an occasional pftt. "Aren't uh, nurses supposed to do this kind of stuff?"_

_"We don't have nurses. They cut our funding a few years back. And now, we're going to go more broke."_

_"What happened?"_

_"You see, the roof is supposed to be locked after an incident the other week. Some cadet died. And now it's locked. But you see, the door was reported to be severely damaged. I wonder who the culprits are."_

_Ethel inserted the needle in, pushing in the plunger. Pulling it out, she placed her thumb there. "Hold on, just a few more supplement shots."_

_"Please don't tell them." Isabel looked at her with puppy eyes, her lips downturned and her other hand on a praying position right below her chin. She scrunched up her face when Ethel inserted another needle in after flicking off the air bubbles. "Ow that hurt."_

_She hummed, placing a cotton on the two bleeding wounds, placing a bandage over it. "Roll up your sleeve."_

_"Pleaseeeee~"_

_"Don't worry about it." The medic smiled reassuringly, cleaning the area with hydrogen peroxide. It left a cold and cool sensation on Isabel's skin. That became ignored right after she picked up on the medic's words._

_"Really-- OW!" Her facial features contracted from pain. "That was a short needle why did it hurt so much?"_

_"Needles hurt because of their gauges. The vitamin b-12 injection earlier had relatively larger gauges. Larger gauges just mean that the needle is smaller. This one shouldn't hurt that much. But everyone feels pain differently."_

_Isabel furrowed her eyebrows, thinking about the statement she had made. In her head, it didn't make sense. Why would a needle with a large gauge be small while a needle with a small gauge be small? She shook off the thought as Ethel read over the chart she had made. "Alright, so far you have no big issues besides the lack of vitamins and sunlight deficiency. Your vision test passed and your hearing is fine. Eat up some more, you're underweight for your age and height."_

_"What're your name, doc?" Isabel asked with a wide grin, her teal eyes shining with ebullience. It sparkled, even for a girl who has barely seen the sun._

_Ethel felt her chest clench a bit, remembering the conditions that she grew up in. The medic smiled warmly in return, searching her cabinets for something. "Ethel."_

_"Ethel..." She repeated the name again. "You have a pretty name."_

_"Thank you, Isabel. I love your name too. It means that you're a loyal person." She stood back up, a handful of packets in her hand. She placed them in a paper bag, stapling it._

_"You really won't tell anyone?"_

_"No, I don't like it when anyone gets in trouble for these things." She smiled reassuringly, handing her the closed paper bag. "And plus, didn't you guys see those small and twinkling dots? They're called stars. They are like the sun, the biggest one that lights up the sky to a vibrant sky blue. They are so far away yet their light always manages to reach us. Isn't that amazing to think about, Isabel?"_

_Her eyes twinkled as if they contained stars of their own. Isabel's grin widened, and she looked out the window. "Really? So then they disappear when the Sun comes up?"_

_"No, they still stay. But our own star outshines the thousands of other stars."_

_"That's amazing!" She jumped up._

_"I know right?" Ethel laughed along. "And the largest dot, the one that lights up the night? That's the moon. It shines because of the Sun as well. The moon always stays too."_

_"The upper world is just... so amazing and so much better than the Underground!" She spread her arms, living in the shine of the sunlight through the window. "You're so lucky, how do you know all of this?"_

_"I learned when I was young." Ethel replied with a smile, almost like a proud parent. "I hate to ruin the moment but I have to check up on some other soldiers now."_

_"O-oh of course." She tucked her arms back to her check. Isabel shook the paper bag, trying to deduce the sound. "What's inside?"_

_"They're these small energy packets that the bioengineering team made a few months back. They're made mostly from carbohydrates. It gives you energy and it's sweet._ _Don't tell anyone I gave you too much. Share some with Farlan and your other friend too, Isabel."_

_"Of course!" Isabel giggled, turning around to wave the medic goodbye. She winked, pointing her thumb at herself. "Your secret's safe with me!"_

_\--_

It looked wrong.That Levi sat there by himself, without the company of the ebullient redhead and the collected ashy blonde. A primitive response kicked in, and she began to walk towards him. Her steps were quiet but heard in the deafening silence of the night. She still bore the expression of an exhausted doctor as the woman stood next to him, about a half meter away.

"Can't sleep?" Ethel asked with a tired smile, glancing over at him.

"Stay at your distance." He responded coldly, his expression morphing into the one of irritation.

Ethel dug her hand into her pocket, pulling out a letter with a silver and green wax stamp. Her dainty hands placed it near him, his name facing up. It was abnormally large, as he never gave a surname. "I was told to deliver this to you."

"Shut your mouth." He replied curtly with a tch.

Ethel obeyed. She swung her legs over the roof, pain ripping through her right hand as she accidentally stretched her wound. She made no sound, and instead hide the slight crimson that bled through the white. Her head fell back, wind blowing the bangs that framed her face. Her hair reached past her chin, almost to her shoulders. The tie that tied her voluminous black locks in a half ponytail threatened to be swept away. She didn't care, knowing her own appearance. It wasn't unusual for a medical worker to look disorganized, especially this late.

A minute passed within the tranquil silence. He broke it first, holding up the letter. "What's this?" 

"They always write one another expeditions." Ethel offered a sympathetic expression, the pain of all the grieving comrades still weighing on her chest.

She felt suddenly aware of how much her will was to preserve this man's life. Even as she was about to take her own. To take the coward's way out.

Within these walls that confined her within the safe zone. They act as boundaries, as cages for the members of the Survey Corps. Yet they are the boundaries that keep people safe. Boundaries that keep the precariousness of the peril that laid in the unknown. The sempiternal curiosity of humans was what led her out. There had once been a time where she actually believed in hope for the outside. This light called hope dimmed until it no longer radiated.

As a member of the medical department in the Survey Corps, she had encountered these types of situations.

Ethel thought about a lot of things in the silence. Who she was. What she did. Her sins. Everything. Even after not being confined to the shackles, Ethel still felt something holding her back. That something pushed people away, and led her to this place.

This maniac, the same as her sat next to her.

The impulse that drove her there halted.

Ethel looked down to the concrete ground below. The twenty meter fall to the concrete ground below would be fatal. Perhaps if she landed leg first onto the grass, Ethel would be left paralyzed. Her eyes glanced down at the ground, and her feet dangling.

If she were to fall, Ethel concluded that she would have two seconds to think about her life. The impact to which she hit the ground would be right under 20 meters per second. It would definitely be fatal. Then there would be the roll downhill. That would add on more into the injury to her dead body.

If she fell, then maybe it'd be more of a defeat than an escape.

A defeat... to who?

Ethel herself wouldn't care.

It would be a victory for her brother whom she execrate so much for. The very person who ruined her life.

"This is the best place to see the sunrise. But it's quite early to wait for the sun."

"Why are you here?" He asked candidly, sounding more irritated as he sent a glare her way.

"Couldn't sleep either." Ethel responded tacitly. "Bad night?"

Levi stayed quiet, not bothering to answer her.

"I'm going to take that as a yes." She pulled her legs up, crossing them and leaning her elbows on them.

"They couldn't have been saved?" He asked abruptly, harsher than intended.

The woman took no offense. Ethel just knew, in some kind of sense that his question wasn't meant to be rude. Levi really wanted to know if there had been any chance when they could've survived. Perhaps then he could cling onto the hope and never make the same mistake again.

"But none of us would've known the outcome. It wasn't your fault."

"Who brought them up to the titans?"

"It's the moral responsibility." She spoke under her breath softly. Ethel looked over at him, and he looked down. "I came here five years ago. There was a friend that stayed with me ever since I came here too. His name was Kaiser Diamant. But he wasn't the only comrade I've had. I've had many, more than I could count. It never gets easy, but a part of the Survey Corps' ideology is that we carry on the memories of the fallen, so their lives were not given in vain. If you feel that their lives were wasted, I'll tell you that they weren't. The future is still ahead of you and I who have survived all because of our comrades. Take your time to grieve, take some time off if you need. I've taken it upon myself to survive for the ones that didn't. And live life for them."

He didn't answer.

"They couldn't have been saved. Nobody could see the future."

He already knew that. They couldn't see the future that fate set for them. The moral responsibility still weighed heavy in his body. It had been the only weight he could never conquer.

And he also knew, the person who sat next to him shared the same moral responsibility. She talked in a conciliatory tone, occasionally stopping to rest her tired vocal cords or to clear her throat. For hours she spoke. And for hours, Levi did not have the will to stop her.

Her voice became a light in the ocean, shielding him from the dark and unknown silence. He didn't care if he didn't want to hear her talk and go on. All Levi cared for at that moment was for the maelstrom of memories to be drowned out. These thoughts that kept him awake at night and haunted him in this poignant cloud. They always came when everything is still and hushed. They filled the silence and his mind.

Despite not knowing the woman very well, and the only memories of her being a useless medic in the face of death, Levi stayed. He stayed because she acknowledged his pain. Because someone drowned out the voices in his mind. And because it was better than being alone.

"The fallen never really dies." She hid a yawn, the light rays of the sun shining over the horizon. Her voice had became rough and grainy, and she coughed more often. "They're just not with us physically. The people that are gone are still alive in my memories. And they will be too in yours if you keep yourself alive. They’re like stars in the night sky. Some aren’t around anymore, but their light is trapped within time. It continues to reach us. Where you stand in the light is hard to determine, since it does not strictly exist. But it still exists. "

_If you keep yourself alive._

That sentence didn't sound foreign. After all, it wouldn't be the first time Levi had encountered such thought.

"You know, life is weird." She suddenly shifted the topic. "And I know from personal experience that life has its ups and downs. Sometimes points so low, it's easy to question the very meaning of the thing itself. Yet there are times where it's an amazing gift. Even for the smallest of seconds, life had been good. It's an elusive concept to grasp. But if anything, life itself is precious because it's so rare."

He glanced forward to the orange sky, a large dot in the distance rising above the walls. Beside him, she stood up, her legs stiff from the unchanging posture. "It's almost breakfast. You shouldn't miss it."

"I can take care of myself."

"I know you can." She smiled at him, placing her hands behind her back. "But you just reminded me of something. The Underground doesn't have much songbirds visiting, do they?"

She took his silence as an answer.

"I'll show you someday. A songbird. That'll be nice. I think you'll like it."

Levi didn't move. He thought about it. The songbird. He remembered how he and Farlan met Isabel, when she had tried to go up the stairwell to release a bird.

His chest clenched painfully as her head rolled into his vision.

He let out a _tch,_ eyebrows furrowing. Levi felt more emotions than he could explain. Anger. Frustration. Discontent. Grief. Sadness. Pain. Anguish. Hatred. They washed over his body, filling every single corner. And they've stayed there for hours. Every emotions mirrored in his non-verbal cues mirrored in hers. Finally, Ethel knew it was time for her to go.

She took a few steps backwards, eyes remaining on his back. "I'll see you down for breakfast, Levi."

"Shut up you waste of air."

Ethel paused, then stifled a giggle. She bent over, covering her mouth at something that wasn't supposed to be as funny as she made it to be. Ethel held her hand wrapped around her stomach, feeling the weight being lifted off of her chest. She beamed at him. The insult lifted the sagging morale, lighting up her once tired face effortlessly. It was genuine. THe insult felt more lighthearted than anything, even if he didn't mean for her to laugh. "Thank you for the insight. I'll carry a few potted plants around wherever I go."


	3. Illegible Penmanship

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi has his first lesson with Ethel concerning writing and reading, and he discovers some flaws of the soldier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To a hopefully enticing new years, everyone!

She squinted her eyes, trying to deduct the messily written alphabets. "Do you know which hand is dominant?"

"No." The black haired soldier replied blandly.

"Which hand do you eat with?"

"Both."

"Is there one that you prefer to use the most?"

"No."

She handed him back the piece of paper, searching her pocket for a ballpoint pen. Ethel placed it on the table, observing the position of his wrist, arm, and body. "Another reason for you handwriting could be poor motor movements."

"This is useless."

"It's an essential essence of being a soldier, to write reports every day. You'll need to write on your own someday as well." She explained, sitting down in front of him. The library in contrast to the rest of the headquarters was well kept and tidy. Books of various colors littered the shelves and tranquility lingered in the air. The drapes were pulled back, allowing the warmth of the sun to shine in. "I'd love to teach about some other concepts however."

He handed her the sheet again.

"It's more legible this time." Ethel skimmed through the alphabets. "Do you remember the alphabets?"

"They're easy enough."

"That's good to hear." She hummed, standing up. "This should be enough for the day. When you learn how to read and write, I'll teach you some more riveting concepts."

"I'm sure that'll be more exhilarating." He stood up, voice laced with heavy sarcasm. He took ahold of the pen, slipping it into his pocket. She watched as he pushed the door open, turning away.

"If I can get you to like it, it'll be." She sighed to herself.

Ethel knew good penmanship is developed through hundreds of hours of practice. It had been something that her father pushed her to learn and perfect as. Though her pen would be useless if she wasn't born of noble blood. Everything else would be chagrin.  
  
  
  
  


The strain on her hip reached its peak as she swerved around a sharp corner. The muscles in her body cried for her to stop as she propelled herself into the air. She eyed the nape of the fake titan, her blades readied in position. It all went in a flash.

Her blades sliced through the synthetic material, leaving a large gash. It was deep enough to kill, but not deep enough for her satisfaction.

"Damn it." Ethel whispered under her breath as she shot the grappling hook at a marred tree. With the quick receding wire, she stepped back onto the branch.

"You'll become feces at the end of that."

"Fair enough. I can't breathe."

"You clearly can." Levi replied curtly, the same stoic features on his face. "You need to develop your muscles."

Although she had been a soldier for five years, her physical strength had always been the biggest issue. Though strong enough to kill a titan, it became evident that Ethel still had a few problems with the strenuous exercise. She had been practicing for hours, and it was well into the afternoon.

"Do you have any tips that can help?" She placed her hands on her hips, leaning her head back.

"You're an embarrassment for someone who's been here for so long."

"Can't deny that." She had been an outstanding soldier at one point. If not for the expedition years back, Ethel knew she likely would've improved or remained at her level. Her weapon had always been her speed and agility, not her strength.

The soldier knew her issue laid in her relative size and mass. Though it allowed her to be more flexible and better with maneuvering, it prevented her from being physically formidable.

"Can you help?"

"Run five laps around the forest. With gear."

"Exhilarating." Ethel chuckled humorlessly to herself, feeling a sense of dread fill every one of her cells. However, the acception filled a sense of jovialness, and she found herself smiling before placing her blades back. Slowing her descent down, her legs began to take her forward. With every step it weighed her down. The straps sagged as she constantly tightened them, and the gear jangled as her legs moved up and down. The brown sash between her legs and the gear were the only thing keeping the metal from scraping at her thighs.

Ethel finished with a burning throat, gasping for air. She bent over, hands on her knee. Her chest heaved up and down, panting as beads of sweat rolled down her face.

"I could've ran around five more times waiting for you."

She nodded, trying to slow down the dry huffs of air.

Levi examined her stature. She stood a few centimeters shorter than him. But the physical strength between the two was incomparable. She had a lean and petite form. He doubted Ethel had any serious muscle training for long. Ethel would have a hard time gaining muscles.

"Aren't you a medic?"

"No, not anymore. I'm a normal soldier now." She smiled in response.

"Got kicked out?"

"No, I agreed to it." The soldier answered.

Levi pulled his sleeve up, walking to a wooden bench. He tilted his head, mentioning for her to follow. "Bring my hand down."

He wanted to test her strength, and just how much strength she had. Ethel wiped her hand on the brown sash, preparing both mentally and physically for the itter decimation of her hand, wrist, and arm. He felt her hand slip into his. Levi inwardly cringed at the potential filth.

"Get ready. In three, two, one-"

 _Thwack_!

She immediately pulled her hand back, shaking it in the air. The back of her hand had turned completely red.

_It wasn't even a contest. It was an utter defeat._

Levi shook his head, wiping his hand using a handkerchief. "Do you have any sense of strength in your arm?"

"Medics are usually veterans. My medical degree during my residency got me in, not cadet training. Missed out on a lot of parts of training."

"And you decide to improve now?"

"Erwin's request that I agreed to. Some newer medics filled my place already." She shook her head. There would be almost no other reason why she would give up her profession.

"What are you? His lap dog?"

Ethel stayed quiet, not knowing how to respond. She felt that it was better to just stay quiet as her training with Levi proceeded. From sit-ups to planks, he observed her as she completed each new exercise. Ethel had her talents, that was not undeniable. Out of the soldiers he had seen, she stood out as one of the most skillful with the ODM gear. Everything from her sharp movements, fast reflexes, quick thinking, slaloming between obstacles with ease, changing directions while still being reeled in, and her spatial recognition stood out among the other soldiers.

Either way, though the training strengthens the muscles of soldiers to a degree far greater than normal civilians, he wasn't surprised that someone like her had trouble with strength. The only question that remained was why?

Levi recalled the expeditions, when she had without hesitation slaughtered a titan and grabbed onto Farlan right before they plummeted to the ground. That itself required meticulous planning and movements. It proved to him that she was an adept soldier, however with flaws.

He pushed the thought away, the throbbing emotion in his chest as their voices entered his mind.

_"Trust us, Levi."_

_"Yeah! Big bro!"_

He shouldn't have trusted them. Levi paused, remembering his vow to never regret any decision he made.

He doubt he could maintain his vow. After all, the moral responsibility of it all weighed heavier than any weight he could carry.  
  


Limits, everything has a limit. A star's life reaches its limits, the light of the sun doesn't shine everywhere, and most fragile of all. The limits of life. Limits have been taught to her since the beginning of her life.

The limit as to how much she could gain weight. The limit as to how much free time she had. The only thing her parents never gave her a limit to were the amount of information she and her brother could obtain.

 _"The sky's the limit!"_ Her childhood friends would say. Though space has no limit, space has always been dark and empty, deprived of light with the occasional celestial body or a cloud of gas mixed with dust. Even those are parsecs away, with nothing but emptiness between them.

Ethel had long reached her limit as a soldier. Sure, her endurance and her speed stood out, but what about her physical strength?

There's a limit as to how fast a human can travel without protection. There is a limit as to how long a human could last in the ODM gear before they pass out. A limit as to how far physical strength can go. At least that applies to the people born without talent.

When he killed the group of titans in a matter of seconds alone, it clicked. He would be an outstanding soldier. Perhaps the strongest one ever. Everyone, even Levi would have a limit. It all just depended on where the limit is placed. Whether as far as the stars or as close as the apple from a tree. Ethel knew where her limit is placed would give her the identity she held.

She tapped the back of her ink pen on the table. The orange flame flickered on the melting wax, it's blackened wick surrounding by a pool of melted white.

"Why aren't you asleep?"

She scrambled to cover the papers, muttering a curse as the ink smeared onto her rolled up sleeve. Hange leaned over her shoulders, the soldier's wet brown hair dripping water onto the paper.

"You're going to give me a heart attack someday, Hange."

"The question is why are _you_ here late, Hange?" Nanaba rolled to her side, her bleached blonde hair covering her face, roots of black visible.. She brushed it off, putting her elbow underneath her face on the pillow.

"I lost track of time." Hange smiled sheepishly, scratching the side of her face.

"I'm writing a letter." The noirette rolled her sleeve up, hiding the black smear.

"You may want to roll that down instead." Hange commented, pointing to the smoother and flat wide yet jagged line on her arm. It was whitened and glossy. The familiar and old scar stretched from her shoulder to the back of her left hand.

"It's fine you guys already know." Ethel shook it off.

"Who's the letter for, Ethel?" Nanaba sat up, nearly hitting her head on the upper bunk.

"Quinn. I haven't written to him in a month." She replied with a smile, tapping her pen rhythmically on the table.

"Was that your fiancé?" Hange asked, pulling up a chair to sit beside her.

"Ex-fiancé. Wasn't like any of us wanted a marriage."

"I definitely can't empathize. How many ex-fiances do you have?"

"Nanaba you're married to a wonderful woman. I hope you never relate. Please tell Lia that the scarf she knitted for me was amazing. And two."

"That's accurate." She nodded. 

"You had two men who were engaged?" Hange stared incredulously at her with wide eyes and a slightly open mouth.

Ethel let out a quick puff of air, putting out the small flame. "Don't ask about that."

"She also didn't come back a few nights ago. Where were you?"

"Ethel. You stayed out?" Hange snapped her head to her, a wide grin on her face.

"Hange time to sleep! I'm beyond tired."

"You're not going to sleep until you give some answers doc." The soldier replied in a serious tone, looming over Ethel.

"You're a funny one Hange." She spoke with a beaming smile, giggling nervously. "Very funny."

"Ethel I'm serious." Her glasses shined, and she placed a heavy hand on the soldier's shoulder as the woman looked over her. She pushed them up the bridge of her nose, emanating a threatening air. "I want to know."

"Hange I'm so tired I can barely keep my eyes open."

"We knew you'd be next but who was it?"

"Excuse me I'll be next?" She snapped her head back to Nanaba, who didn't change her stare.

"I'm surprised I was the first."

"Look I fell asleep on the roof okay?"

"You're a good liar but not this time."

"What about you and Moblit??"

"We're just friends. So. Who is it?"

"Sweet dreams!"

"I'll be your sleep paralysis demon, Ethel."

"Nanaba do you hear that strange sound?"

"Yes." The tall woman rolled over to her back. "It's the harmonious music of church bells that will play during your funeral."

Ethel smiled and chuckled humorlessly, staring holes into the blonde's head. "You're going to be paying for my fucking funeral, Nanaba."  
  
  


She sipped the scalding hot liquid from the stained white mug. Her face scrunched up as the burning sensation agitated her tongue. Nevertheless, the caffeine woke her up from the state of droizness. It's bitterness hit her as if she walked into a concrete wall, the unpleasant but lingering sensation on the back of her throat. The stack of papers sat before her, half of them flipped to their back side.

Ethel wondered why the hell of all things, losing her smell which led to losing her taste didn't make eating bitter food easier.

"You're not coming to breakfast again?" Hange flipped her bangs over the straps of her glasses, adjusting them above her nose.

"No I'll be fine." The noirette smiled, tilting her head back to meet the brunette's eyes. Ethel knew she wouldn't eat much either way, there was no more pleasure in eating food. It became a necessity, and in return, eating disgusted her more than anything else.

"You have to tell me what you were doing that night."

"Talking with someone I know, that's all." Ethel replied benignly, twirling the ink pen between her fingers.

"Just that?"

"Nothing else."

"Should I get you something to eat?"

"No I'll be fine, really." Ethel shook her head, stretching her hands above her. "I have to read these reports again anyways."

"If you say so." She sighed, opening the door. "I'll see you during training."

"Of course."

The door shut close with a quiet squeak, drowning the dormitory in silence. She rubbed the side of her right hip, the small stabbing pain never really leaving after the rigorous training the other day. She doubted that Levi would've ever agreed to helping her if not for his wound, preventing him from training for two weeks.

He had fourteen charges of aggravated assault and first degree battery, ten charges of second degree robbery, two charges of first degree robbery from the Military Police, and one case of homicide.

She pushed the wooden chair away from the table, covering her eyes with her arms. Under her eyelids, they burned from the smoke of the candle. Yawning, she searched the cabinet for another candle, lighting it with the previous one. Downing the scalding coffee, she wiped her mouth with the sleeve of her brown jacket and read through the reports again.

**_Date: 1st December, 835 ; 8:49pm_ **

**_Location: Near the alleyway of Sky's Bar on Fifteenth Street, Underground City, Mitra, Wall Sina_ **

**_Officer: Taylor Brucnker of Mitra MP ; 1493284_ **

**_Officers Present : Zyle Saccharide 1603729, Maurice Lill 1427433, Michael Coria 1723934_ **

**_Nature of Incident: On 1/12/835 at approximately 0849, Brucnker was assigned to patrol the streets of the Underground along with Saccharide, Lill, and Coria. Captain was not present. Brucnker was notified by Lill that Saccharide had been attacked._ **

**_Report: Upon arrival, I witnessed a short white male age unknown named Levi attacking Saccharide with knife held near the alleyway of Sky's Bar. We activated ODM gear, speeding to the two. Levi slit Saccharide's throat from ear to ear. A friend of his called out his name. Friend had ashy blonde hair around 170 centimeters of height in late teens. Lill and Coria gave chase to Levi, while I tended to Saccharide. He bled out in two minutes, dying. Lill and Coria caught up to Levi, but were defeated within seconds._ **

She rubbed her temples, flipping through the reports about the seemingly endless list of crimes, most of them being assault or robbery. Only one case of homicide had been recorded. Perhaps there were more, just unreported.   
  
  


"Does a pencil work better for you?"

The cracking of the graphite on the white paper answered her question. "You don't need to press down so hard." She murmured quietly after leaning over him to examine the words. "Do it again."

He sighed with a tch, rewriting the entire alphabets again.

"I think you can move onto reading now." She flipped through the file, pulling out a stack of stapled paper. "Reading is a lot like writing. Different letters come together to make different words. These words can be added to different words to form different words. Or you can add letters to them. Like my surname." She dug at her pocket for a pen, writing her surname in large print. "It's made of Rave and the letter L. Rave has a lot of meanings, such as talking in an insane manner. And it's pronounced Rah-vel. Some words don't sound like how they look, but those are limited. You'll learn as you go. Since you already know how to speak, and you're progressing fast, what interests you?"

"Be more specific."

"What do you like? Or what would you like to learn? I don't want to bore you. I'll find a book and it and we can go through the pages." She smiled benignly, standing up. "The idea isn't for you to memorize the words, just to understand them."

"Anything is fine."

"How about tea? I saw that you drink tea a lot."

"I honestly don't care."

She had hoped for him to ease up more, and the lack of it became expected. Ethel nodded, tilting her head to read the signs on the shelves. She skimmed through the sections, looking for a cover with the topic stated.

"What type of tea do you like the most?" She asked, a little louder than her normal volume. Her dainty hands swiftly searching through the pile of books, each in various colors and fonts. A silence rang for a few seconds. Ethel cleared her throat, repeating the question even louder. Her voice finally reached his ears. "What type of tea do you enjoy the most?"

"Black."

"I heard that it has a malty taste and a strong aroma." She turned around, searching through another pile of books. "I don't drink tea often, coffee works better for me. How do you steep tea?"

"It depends on the type of tea and the brand."

"Well say it's black tea." She smiled, finally finding the book she had been searching for.

"Half a teaspoon to a cup of hot water right before boiling. Wait for three to five minutes."

"Green?"

"A teaspoon to a cup of water. There needs to be a steady steam from the boiling water or when bubbles form on the bottom. Steep for two to three minutes. Add anything else to your liking."

Ethel let out an amazed huff of air, a smile still adorned on her lips. "You're like some tea recipe dictionary that can talk. I should bring you some tea leaves. Do you want to own a teashop someday?"

"I like it doesn't mean I'll pursue it." He looked at her with irk.

She held up a book, words etched onto it's dust jacket cover. "How's this one? The Tea Book : Experience the Finest Teas by Linda Gayland." She sat down next to him, leaving a comfortable amount of space between the two. "I think you'll like it."

Ethel's elysian forest green eyes twinkling as she smiled at him. Her irises resembled the orange rays of the sun as it dawned upon the forest of trees. Underneath the thin veil of hazel laid the dark green. If not for the light, he would've missed the central bands of a hazel centering her pupil. She had central heterochromia in her left eye, the hazel barely differentiating itself from the darker forest greenish color of her iris.

The pulchritudinous woman didn't fit the image of a soldier. Her small and petite stature, her body type forbids her to gain weight easily and therefore making it harder to gain muscles. He rarely saw her during mealtimes, where Levi had been forced to sit with Erwin's Special Operations Squad made up of him, Ethel, Hange, Nanaba, and Miche. Even when she did come during curfew, the woman always seemed to detest food.

Levi could tell Ethel seemed to enjoy teaching him, a stranger she barely knew, than caring about her placement as a soldier. But why would someone like her stay in the military? Levi couldn't understand why someone like her would even join in the first place. He shook off the thought, not wanting to question this strange soldier even further.

"Hold on for just one moment." Ethel stood up. "I have to get something for you."

As she walked away, Levi couldn't help but notice her irregular steps. She had a minor limp, sauntering with minor difficulty on her right leg, dragging it along. The irregularities weren't eye catching, it wasn't apparent that she favored using the left side of her body more.

Her light and heavy footsteps brought his attention back. She held a teacup in hand, the dark red liquid inside. Ethel smiled a bit, setting it on his side. "I thought you'd like to drink some tea as you read out loud."

"You're a gimp?"

"Well it's more of a stiff gait." She rubbed the back of her neck, replying sheepishly. "From an expedition a few years back. Some abnormal crawly titan decided," she cleared her throat, speaking in a much higher pitch "ooooo look at this little ball. Is it a ball? Yeah it's annoying, it can stab. Ugh it's not fun to throw either."

Levi only stared at her incredulously, speechless.

Ethel cleared her throat, shifting her weight to her side. Heat rose to the back of her neck as she turned around to drink from her cup of water.

"So. Uh. H-how's the tea?"

Levi sipped it quietly, furrowing his eyebrows over the bland taste. "The water's too hot."

"Duly noted. And, make sure you wear the right outfit for the court date."

"What's the dress code?"

"You have to wear a law suit."

Silence rippled through the air, broken by her stifled chuckles.

"You are hopeless."

"I've been told."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 3am...
> 
> Brain: Its 2021
> 
> Me: I know, let me sleep
> 
> Brain: Doesn't 2021 sound like 2020 won?
> 
> Me: ....can I sleep? I have mock exams tomorrow
> 
> Brain: Then 2022 sounds like 2020 too. 2023 is 2020 free!
> 
> Me: Just give me those damn sleep chemicals
> 
> Brain: Yeah... nope sike


	4. Rare Blithe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On one of the rarer days, where the mood of the Scouts are rather lively.

The searing tug of her right hip became even more excruciatingly painful as she turned a sharp corner. Her foot rugged on the straps, maneuvering her body to a turn as the hooks grappled onto a tree. Thousands of needles stabbed into her side, it's pain dissipating.

She saw her lack of strength a weakness. A defect.

Her finger pushed on a trigger, releasing her hooks. Her eyes caught another figure, instinctively remembering the other phantom members behind her. Lingering in the air, she turned her hips, propelling the left hook to a tree. She reeled herself in, releasing the hook. With the propelling of her gas, she lifted her body up into the air right above the cloud of orange, yellow, and red leaves.

Her body lightened as she swiftly looked around her. Higher up, she had a better vantage point, especially when autumn had taken a toll on the plants. She could see much beyond the leaves, through the thin brown branches.

Ethel fell back down, catching herself with her left hook as she stabilized. She held up her blade, signaling the direction 1 o'clock to the rest of her teammates. She looked forward, where Miche met her eyes. Behind her, where Hange and Nanaba were. Hange nodded, and so did Nanaba.

"You saw the gesture?" Erwin asked Levi, the newest additional member to his special operations squad.

He nodded, eyes following the group as they darted from member to member.

"It's rare, but occasionally during the dry season or during autumn and winter when the leaves fall off, visibility increases. Usually, it's Ethel or Miche who scopes the land, she has the best eyesight and spacial awareness. Miche's sense of smell gets disrupted in forests like these. Nanaba and Miche are physically the strongest, they're usually the ones who go for the tallest titans and go for the nape. Nanaba and Ethel are better in assists, Miche and Hange can manage on their own. But it's not unusual for them to kill as a squad. That gesture she did, it's signaling to the squad where the titan is located. There's multiple gestures you'll need to remember."

Levi listened intently, watching as Miche swept past the nape of the fake titan, followed by Nanaba. Both of their cuts were deep, almost touching the wooden part of the titan figure. Ethel had launched herself in the air yet again, but higher up this time. She spun around, shooting her right grappling hook towards the top of a tree. She plummeted down, using the gas canister to increase her speed. Her ballades swung down, her blades slicing down on the titan's nape. It was just as deep as Nanaba and Miche's. Her grappling hook reeled her up, and Hange sped past.

"They'll be introducing you to some techniques in a few days when your wound is better. You'll adjust easily. Do your best to get along."  
  


Levi felt a vein pop in his forehead as he ignored his surroundings. A cacophony of voices and clatters echoed through the mess hall. And this night, it truly was messy though lively in spirit. The air lightened upon their chest, voices louder than usual. Bodies gathered around a table, chanting different names.

"Come on Sys, don't let Harmon defeat you!"

"Sys if you win, Harmon's going to have to run laps tomorrow!" Another soldier laughed.

"Section Commander Harmon....is stronger...than me!" Sys cried out, followed by a _THWACK!_

"Good game." A ginger haired male smiled, standing up as the other male with black hair shook his hand in the air.

"Not a good game." Sys shook his head and sighed.

"What's the count?" Ethel leaned over to Hange, keeping her eyes on the crowd.

"Uhh that's the tenth in a row." Hange responded, rubbing her wrist. She adjusted her position, sitting next to Ethel.

"Do you think Miche or Nanaba can manage?" Ethel asked, pointing over to the two standing behind a line of soldiers. Some rubbed their neck nervously, others looked all to eager to have their hand decimated.

Section Commander Claude Harmon only smiled at the next contender, and they shook hands. It was someone named Elgar.

"Section Commander Harmon is the strongest soldier at this time. Miche has a chance, but I don't think so."

"What about Erwin?" She asked.

"Same answer." Hange replied, taking a gulp of water.

_THWACK!_

"What about the answer to my question from earlier?" Hange turned her head towards Ethel, pushing up on her glasses. "Is it possible to spread a virus among titans?"

"Right. There's a lot of complicated procedures that goes into spreading a virus. Your best bet is probably finding some kind of infection that's relatively harmless to humans but not on titans and then start the epidemic. But however, it's unknown exactly how titan physiology functions or what adjustments you'd have to make. But it's probably best to find a mRNA virus which is all viruses. If you want to direction alter their RNA to make them better at certain parts, you'd have to rely on luck which is almost no luck."

"So, no?"

"Yes, but it's going to take a long time and there isn't sufficient technology."

"Understood."

_THWACK!_

"Nanaba lost." Ethel murmured, standing up to see the next contender. "And Ness is next."

"We have an expedition in two weeks." Hange sighed, placing her head on the palms of her hands.

She suddenly lit up, turning her attention to the man sipping the dark red liquid that is black tea. Levi's eyes caught her kashish irises, and he immediately knew what she was thinking.

"Levi you should-"

"No."

Her smile dropped.

"There's a prize. You can choose something."

"Why would I?"

"Harmon's not someone who backs down from a challenge. If you win after you make a bet, you can win a month's supply of black tea leaves of your choice."

Levi's mind traveled to two places. First, Ethel was lying. He knew that. Levi could tell, he could always tell. Second, he is pretty confident in his strength. And he was getting especially annoyed by the mess in the mess hall. Perhaps, if he won, they could all shut up and give him time to drink his tea in peace.

He opted for the second choice. Levi stood up, placing his cup on the table. From his peripheral vision, he saw Ethel blink in disbelief. She quickly snapped from it, gesturing with her hands for him to hurry up to walk to the line, beaming with a smile.

He turned around, standing behind Sys who wanted a rematch.

Levi placed his hands at the side, his foot tapping rhythmically.

"Hey! Aren't you the newbie?" Sys suddenly exclaimed, a surprised expression on his face and a slight smile.

Levi looked up, debating whether or not he should give a rude answer.

"I tell you, Claude Harmon is absolutely ruthless. He's been the best for years! But the person in your squad, Miche. We think Miche might surpass Harmon soon."

"I don't recall asking you."

"So if you want to beat Harmon, you'd have to be at least as strong as Miche. But considering your height..."

Now Levi made it his mission to defeat this Harmon.

_THWACK!_

"Oh look, it's Miche's turn!" Sys moved to the side, a very infuriating gesture for Levi. He could see from behind the man, but the soldier took it upon himself to move away because of his short stature.

Barely two months in and he had already been insulted twice.

"You really think he has a chance?" Hange asked Ethel, Nanaba staying quiet as she accepted her defeat.

"I know he can defeat Harmon." Ethel smiled, holding up one of her hands. "He arm wrestled me once. And remember when Miche arm wrestled me? I put up a good ten second fight. But with him, it wasn't even a battle it was completely one sided. There wasn't even a second I could put my strength in."

Ethel stood up, walking towards the crowd. She pulled the bangs that framed her face back, fixing the half ponytail of her medium length black hair.

"Excuse me. Sorry. Excuse me." She spoke as she squeezed her way through the crowd to the front.

_THWACK!_

Miche stood up, and the crowd cheered and jeered. Some had rooted for her teammate, while the other rooted for the ginger haired section commander. Claude stood up, shaking Miche's hand. Ethel who jumped and waved was covered by the masses of soldiers.

"You did well, Miche." Harmon smiled.

"Likewise."

She reached out her hand, grabbing onto his wrist and pulling him beside her.

"So, how many bets were placed on you?"

"Seven."

"Next time, perhaps." She chuckled lightheartedly, patting his back. He mumbled something inaudible in response, crossing his arms. "But I think Erwin's special operations squad has a chance. Or one of us."

"The one from the Underground?"

"Yeah him, Levi."

"Levi is a clean freak. He smells too clean."

She rubbed the back of her neck. "How does clean smell like?"

"Soap."

"How does soap smell like?"

"Soap with underlying cedar wood and musk."

"That's extremely descriptive of you." She breathed out a puff of air, placing her hands on her hips as Sys got defeated yet again. "You've got to remember. You have an uncannily good sense of smell, and I can only smell blood. I cant smell anything else. Is soap like a good smell?"

"Soap smells like a lot of things."

She stifled a laugh, covering her mouth with her hand. "Soap smells bad?"

"No. Soap has different smells."

"I envy your sense of smell sometimes." She giggled lightly, thanking him with a light elbow to his torso. Miche nodded in response, as if proud to show off his skills.

"Come on, man! That's the second time!" A friend of his jeered with a smirk. Sys glared at him, pushing him to the side as he stood back into the crowd. His friend laughed heartily, clutching his stomach as he repeatedly slammed his hand on Sys' back.

"Look it's the newbie!"

"He's got some nerve going against Harmon!"

"Look at how short he is."

"I'll cheer for you newbie!"

"Ethel did you do this?" Miche looked down at her.

She smiled sheepishly, rubbing the back of her neck. A nervous chuckle escaped her mouth. "...yes."

Levi sat down on the bench in front of Claude Harmon. He made sure he had his handkerchief ready, and looked at the section commander into his eyes. From his left peripheral vision, he could see his two teammates, Ethel and Miche standing side by side. Ethel had an optimistic smile on her face, mouthing 'you got this'. Miche on the other hand had his arms crossed, expression calm with a hint of curiosity.

Claude smiled at him, placing his elbow on the table and his hand open.

 _How many dirty hands had he held?_ Levi asked himself.

Shaking the thought away, Levi rolled up the sleeve of his gray button up and the Survey Corps uniform. He placed his hand in position, internally cringing from the touch of his palm to Claude's.

"You're the new one, aren't you?" He asked with amusement, a smile on his face.

"Yes."

"Okay then."

"3! 2! 1!"

_THWACK!_

The back of Claude's hand smashed against the wooden table, it splintering around the area of contact. Levi released his grip, wiping his hand in his handkerchief.

The room had went into total silence, before bursting with ebullience.

"NEWBIE YOU DID IT! YOU BEAT CLAUDE HARMON!"

"What. Wait. How!??"

"WOOHOOO I TOLD YA SOMEONE WOULD BEAT SECTION COMMANDER!"

"I must be dreaming."

"HA! See Miche? I told you he'd win!"

Miche replied with a grunt and an approving nod as Ethel smiled proudly, elbowing him repeatedly. "Now you owe me something." She spoke quietly so that only the man could hear.   
  


Levi eyed her with slight curiosity at the bag she held as he read through the tenth page of the book. She smiled at him, gesturing him to continue reading and not mind her. He turned his attention back to the neat print, his eyes scanning the letters and words. The book wasn't terrible, it was rather entertaining. Combined with the detailed drawings on the left side, he didn't mind reading about tea.

She finally sat down in front of him, handing him a stapled paper bag. "Black tea, from Harmon." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I watched Bungo Stray Dogs... and it's amazing 
> 
> And the


	5. Skylark's Ascension

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ethel meets a familiar figure, one that she wished wouldn't have appeared. But the lark finally sang it's song.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning : mentions of past trauma

Probity like a light flickered and dimmed. The vexed stares of recognition bore into her head. Dozens of eyes landed on her figure, voices murmuring as whispering.

It wasn't unusual for these types of interactions. People who talked about the soldier's presence often didn't care for the fact that they could be heard or seen. They wanted their message across. The soldier who came from a well known and respected family got used to times where her commanding officer needed her there to put pressure on the judge, whomever it may be.

The Ravels had been a symbol of military power for decades, and still held that power.

A dozen or so men in long, dark gray robes scanned the court. They proudly donned the stitched necklaces on their robes, each necklace representing each of the walls. She stood quietly near Erwin, whereas Nile Dok, the commander of the military police stood vertical to the blonde. A few soldiers could care less, a few even opened her mouth and tried to hide their yawning. Typewriters settled at the edge of the room, their seats filled by a man and a woman.

A moon faced male stood across him her. He had thick spectacles, his hair swept back. He adjusted his gloves, proudly showing off a gleam of silver on his expensive watch. Ethel could tell who he is at first glance. Or at least, she had an idea of who he was.

The watch gave it off.

In the King's Assembly, four nobles worked alongside the king to form their currently government. Each were well distinguished by many features. Power could be transferred or passed to another noble. It became the secret code for bargaining. And though well known within Mitra, not so much outside it's walls. The four nobles were The Noble of Agriculture, Defense, Economy, and The Order of the Walls. The Ravels were in charge of defense, or otherwise known as the military. Nicholas Lobov held the title of Noble of Economics, as he is the last remaining blood of the Lobov bloodline. Aruille Cardina is the noble of agriculture, amd Roderich Francis represented The Order of the Walls.

Lobov was known for his heavy spending, especially on the employees he favored. The watch is flabbergastingly expensive, not something even a wealthy man could afford easily. The engraving of his name was visible on the leathered band as well. NL.

She tossed off the idea of Algar Ravel, her cousin being the one who sent this man. Algar wasn't that type of person. Uneasiness still plagued her thoughts, however. Despite their immense age difference, it was a well known fact that both Nicholas and Algar were close friends.

She found the hierarchy to be strange. Ethel only hoped that Darius Zackley is a man of integrity, as she had been told multiple times that many owe her father favors.   
  
  


"Shall we begin?" Zackley asked, taking his formal uniform off. His eyes met hers for a split second, and looked away. He fixed his rectangular framed glasses, wiping them with his clean sleeve. He rested them lightly on the bridge of his nose, squinting his eyes at the small print on the paper. "Levi, surname unknown. You were an underground thug who is now allied with the Survey Corps, and swore to give your life to humanity. Is that correct?"

"Yes." The man who stood shackled to a pole answered curtly. He looked up at the Premiere, glaring.

"Given the circumstances of this complicated affair, this will be held as a court martial. State any objections."

"No objections."

"I greatly appreciate your shrewdness." Zackley cleared his throat, fixing his white hair. "It now falls to me which regiment should take charge of you. The military police or the survey corps. Now let's hear what the military police proposes."

Nile took a small step forward, his brown eyes lingering on the short man. Levi glared back with just as much intensity. "As Commander of the Military Police, we have dealt with this criminal for an innumerable amount of times in the Underground. The criminal presents himself with composure, but on many occasions he has shed blood upon our soldiers. While his skill can be of assistance to the Survey Corps, he is nevertheless still a murderer and a criminal who has wreck havoc. The military police will sentence him to a life in the dungeons based off of his criminal record."

Ethel couldn't deny that Levi is a criminal, even if all of his actions were for the sake of survival. She caught the glaring gaze of a young boy, around the age of ten glaring daggers at her. His amber eyes held a passionate flame for revenge, with a temper that seemed to match his auburn hair. She looked away, shaking the thought off of her mind.

"Next, let us hear the Survey Corps' proposal."

"Yes. I, Erwin Smith, the Second in Command is representing our injured and ill commander offer the following proposal. We intend to accept Levi as an official member of the Scout Regiment and utilize his skills to help humanity take a leap forward. That is all."

 _Erwin, amazing speech. Absolutely breathtaking and of brevity. Outstanding._ Ethel thought to herself, praying that she had no visible change of expression.

A deafening silence in the court rang throughout. The invisible tension only got heavier, like an invisible weight weighing upon their chests.

"That is all?"

"Yes, sir. With him, we can answer questions that has never been answered."

"Please explain to me how a single soldier will be able to make a difference."

Erwin glanced down at the former medic, gesturing her to answer. Normally, it would be him answering. However, the Smiths were a peasant family. They were at the bottom of the staircase, while the Ravels stood atop. Even though Erwin Smith was well known for his leadership, it meant nothing if your family is technically in charge of all of the military. Her words carries more weight than his. He is the second in command, while his subnoriate, though of lower rank and humbled, technically stood higher than him.

Ethel cleared her throat, wanting to hit herself for not preparing for it. Erwin had told her that he just needed her mere presence. Just her presence, nothing else! Totally nothing else.

"This particular cadet's prodigious flair is a requisite adroitness gave-given the circumstances of the hostile land we inhabit. As humanity have been confined to this strip of land, none has succeeded to see what is beyond the horizon besides the Survey Corps. And as of the knowledge we currently hold, humanity will still only exist within the walls. Through the years, we have received countless promising soldiers, optimistic and tenacious. Nearly all of them crumble at the sight of the man eating monster. Not even the veterans are guaranteed survival outside the walls. Despite only having joined a mere month ago, he has shown agility, tactical abilities, strength, cleverness, and fortitude more than another other new cadet. His skill surpasses many veterans, he is an important asset for us."

"I oppose." Another officer rose his hand. He had black hair and blue eyes, his hand horribly scarred. "He has grown up in the Underground, where criminals reside. If all psychopathic criminals were to have those traits, we might as well let serial killers loose."

Erwin stayed silent, much to her dismay. The burning sensation behind her neck only intensified, as thousands of pairs of eyes looked down at the woman. She closed her eyes, swallowing a lump in her throat. "During the last expedition, he managed to kill over ten titans with his own ability by himself. He has survived whereas a squad failed."

"Sadist like him don't fear these monstrous creatures because they enjoy the pain those creatures bring. He had caused significant damage in the Underground. His crimes should not be overlooked, _Ravel_." He spat her name out tainted with dismay. "Are you defending him because you see yourself like that years ago?"

She pushed down whatever bubbled up. The memories and emotions that she had tied a rock to, and sank into the river of her thoughts. They resurfaced, and she did what she had always done. Once again she drowned out everything. The colors that had blurred into each other, the faces, the voices, and the emotions. Over the years, Ethel had learned how to suppress these emotional flashbacks. The anger that she felt, the guilt and the moral responsibility.

Attacks like these directed at her didn't bother her as much as it once did anymore.

"Mister Coria, let's not get sidetracked. He-"

"Birds of the same feathers do tend to stick together, huh?" He chuckled humorlessly, crossing his arms. He lifted his chin, and straightened his back.

"Nile, control your subordinates." Zackley glanced over at the commander. "Erwin, how do you plan to deal with his crimes?"

"They are justifiable by the four freedoms clause. They are mostly from the freedom from want. Murders can be explained by the freedom from fear. On the reports we were able to attain both from past witnesses and reports, eye witnesses claimed that he was not the one who initiated the attack. They may not be justifiable, but it explains his actions. For the sake of survival." Erwin replied calmly, keeping his eyes at the Premiere.

"Doing something for survival is different than killing someone for the sake of it. He had opportunities to settle things with peace, but instead opted for violence." Nile backfired, settling his gaze at the blonde. Erwin remained still, the only thing changing is his eyes, which shifted over to his old friend.

"In the events of punishment, both are the same." Erwin spoke clearly. "Whether to rot his life away at a dungeon or to join the military. Neither guarantees his safety, as he can be killed in either places, or die. How long has the military police taken to take down a single man? How long have they needed to trap him? How long would they have taken without our help? How many more crimes would he have committed? Levi has formidable strength and combat skills, he is also quick witted. Without the Survey Corps' help, he may still roam free to this day. If he is in the dungeons, he may stir up violence among the inmates. However, with the Survey Corps, he has not been violent with any soldiers. In the dungeon where he has no purpose in life, we can give him a purpose. The punishment is nearly the same. Except one gives him a purpose in life, forcing him to commit his life to and for humanity while the other gives it no purpose. One contributes to the well-being of humanity, whereas the other contributes to nothing. One has a smaller cell than the other. His crimes will not be overlooked, but rather, he will make up for his past criminal activity by devoting his heart and soul for the very cause of what the Survey Corps have pledged to accomplish. By exploring and understanding the unknown, so that humanity has a chance in surviving against the egregious monsters than threaten our domicile and the very existence of our species."

"....And who is to promise that he will remain truthful to his cause?"

He paused for a second, and continued. "Levi will be placed under my squad. He will be trained thoroughly for disciplinary reasons, and educated. I will have someone look over his actions and have them report to me. If any suspicious behavior is detected, the necessary steps will be taken."

Darius Zackley nodded, then hit the wooden hammer against the wooden coaster. It's sound echoed in the room, as all eyes turned to him. "I have made my decision. He will be placed under the eye of the Survey Corps, under Erwin's Squad. That'll be all."

Erwin glanced down at Ethel with a smile, almost saying _'Thank you for ruthlessly questioning me yesterday.'_

She grinned back, replying _'Now you owe me something, Erwin.'_  
  
  


She craned her neck, popping the joints. Ethel waited patiently for her commanding officer, her other squadmates standing not far from her. Something tugged on her sleeve, a light one from below. Ethel turned around, smiling lightly at the young boy. His amber eyes gleamed below the sunlight, and he did not return a smile. Instead, he glared at her, his hands shaking with anger.

"What's your name?" He asked without emotion. The boy looked no more than ten years old, his auburn hair messily framed his face. Freckles were sprayed onto his features, a small black dot on his hand, next to it, a small scar that resembled an X.

"Ethel, what about yours?" She asked with her smile still on. Ethel bent down onto her knees to meet his eyes, even if she wasn't taller than him by a lot.

"Albert....Auzbury. Are you a doctor? Were you from Mitra?"

Though many doctors come from Wall Sina, not all of them come from Mitra. Mitra contained the nobility and politicians, not the medical professionals. Something didn't fit right. Uneasiness crept up quietly. She tensed up, her eyes quickly scanning the area behind him. "Yes, do you need something?"

He went silent, right before he asked yet again. "Do you know where my brother is?"

"No, but we can help you find him. What's his name, Albert?"

"Where are the MPs?"

"Ah," She stood back up, turning around. "They are right there-"

**_Blind spot behind your back, Ettie._ **

Her hand reached back, gripping tightly on his wrist. The gleam of the metal blade shined, and the boy tried with all his might to push the blade forward. She turned out, snatching the blade from his hand. "Kid, you can't just-"

"What? Kill someone?" He asked in a much louder tone. Albert ripped his hand from her firm grip, screaming. "THEN WHAT ABOUT YOU? ARE DOCTORS SUPPOSED TO KILL PEOPLE??!! THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO SAVE PEOPLE! Why did you kill him?"

She remembered now. Those amber eyes beside the figure. The darkened figure who's face she had crossed out. The figure that resided in the deepest depths of her memories.

"Albert! What are you doing?" A deeper voice called out. Another boy with matching auburn hair ran out. He stopped at the sight of his little brother, and at the soldier who stood in front of him holding a knife. He clicked his tongue, grabbing onto Albert's wrist, pulling him furiously.

"Bruno I told you it's her! She's the one who killed Julius! SHE SAID IT HERSELF!!"

Bruno stopped dead in his tracks, turning around. His icy glare help nothing but the unquenchable thirst for revenge.

"I know. Albert. But do you think she cares? Why associate yourself with a hypocrite?"

_Hypocrite... Sounds about right._

"I know this won't weigh it's weight. But I'm sorry. I can't imagine how it must've been, to lose someone so close to you. The grief and distress of losing a good friend. There is nothing that can justify my mistake."

"Shut up. We don't want to hear it."

Her chest clenched, it weighed her down as they walked away. Distress, agony, anger, hatred, frustration. They all drilled into her body ruthlessly. Her shoulders burdened from the invisible eyes that looked at her. Faceless people who heard everything. Eyes that did not see, ears that listened, and minds that reached the conclusion. They turned a blind eye on everything but the mistake she made. Ethel couldn't blame them. They were kids, after all.

Once again, against her will, her thoughts ventured into the dark labyrinthine of her own mind. Once again, she felt the quick glance over to her direction by one or more of the teammates. She knew the truth. Perhaps she was the only one who knew of the complete truth. Others only know the bits and pieces. But as long as they don't have the complete truth, she's be fine. Even if it paints her as the villain.

She was conscious of her complete truthfulness when it comes to answering what others asked. Conscious of the carefully constructed lies that has built up a wall surrounding the fragile truth that she protected.

Only a few know. Or at least, only a few knew she was lying. Yet the constructed lies never allowed them to the middle of the labyrinth she had built up. Only Ethel would ever know. And the other person who knows is already six feet down inside a grave.

**_A doctor doesn't fit you, Ettie. His voice rang in her ear. You had so much in store. Instead, look how low you've fallen._ **

_Shut up._

**_I bet you still feel guilty. Why do you place yourself at such a low point? Why do you risk your life for others? Do you know why?_ **

_You're dead. Remain that way, brother._

**_I'm dead. But I still live as long as you remember me. You do all this, because you needed validation. Validation that you are still worthy of living, and worthy of having happiness. You won't, Ettie._ **

_...._

**_You should've listened to me, Ettie._ **

"Ethel?" Hange called out a little louder. "What was that about?"

She turned back around, a sheepish smile on her face. "Kid thought I was rich so he tried to steal my money. Didn't bring any."

Hange let out a tired sigh, looking around for said kids. She didn't see anything, so gestured for the woman to walk over. Hange had heard small bits of the conversation, and glanced over. It didn't seem like a robbery.

But Hange didn't question it any further. She had secrets as well, ones she never told. So what's wrong with allowing a friend to keep their secrets?

The woman remembered moments like these. It wasn't uncommon among soldiers to sometimes distant themselves from the world. Her eyes were like those eyes. Eyes that stared into everything but nothing. They had not point of fixation. She seemed lost in her world. And as far as Hange knew, Ethel _despises_ being in her own world.

She wasn't one to daydream and stare off into space. Ethel always had to do something. Put her mind on something. Busy herself with just something. Anything. The woman was a workaholic, constantly being productive for the sake of something Ethel never told Hange.

Yet there would be times where she seemed to enjoy being in her world little world. Those moments never lasted, however.

When Hange joined three years back, she had broken her wrist on her first expedition. Hange had a blank expression. The expression of utter terror in her face as the medic fixed up her wrist. Ethel was her new teammate. Someone she didn't quite get along with yet. Nevertheless, the medic was a reticent person.

Though on the second expedition, they did get along better. And the more Hange got to know her, the more she began to realize. She didn't know much about her friend.

She knew Nanaba liked girls, that she was engaged to a beautiful woman. Miche that he had an abnormally strong sense of smell and duty. Erwin, who has great leadership skills and curiosity for the world beyond. Ethel, not much. The small slips of her life that Hange knew were comedic events.

But Hange remembered that one night, where she woke up. Ethel was sitting on the chair of the dorm that she shared with Hange and Nanaba. She sat on the edge of the window, the flame of the candle she held wavering in the air. She looked out to the night sky, leaving a heavy sigh.

Hange had been ready to tackle her to the ground. If not for what Ethel said next.

_'Don't worry. I just had a bad dream and thought of him. And I thought the stars looked nice today, that's all.'_

Hange never really questioned deeper into her friend's other strange behavior. Times where she seemed to talk to herself or times where Ethel just stayed silent. As reticent of a person she may be, Ethel wasn't all quiet and shy. She had a sense of humor, and didn't think too much into many of her actions. Hange would thank her for making their team as close as it was.

She would prefer to see the side that Ethel wants them to see. Because Hange knew what it was like to let loose of secrets. And she wouldn't want Ethel to feel alone if her secrets were out. Whatever they were.

"A kid trying to steal from a trained soldier?"

"Well you see, Hange. Yes."

"That's pretty stupid."

"Yes," she nodded. "Take it from someone that tried to steal her own money back from a swear jar and ended up faking miserably."

"You had a swear jar!?"

"I lost a total of one copper coin to that wretched thing." She smiled proudly. "But by now I've probably lost more than I can count."

"What about your brother?" That came out of her mouth before Hange could think. Her stomach sank, she she immediately opened her mouth to retract her words.

If anything other than small moments in Ethel's life that Hange knew, it's that she hated her brother.

Yet, Ethel still smiled. If anything, the sunlight highlighted the amusement in her eyes. "Oh gosh. Ok Hange, so this is for context... My family never gave out allowances unless you help the maids with the chores or do well in your exams. I wanted to use my allowance to bribe some poor shop owner into shipping ten cats to the house without any context. Don't ask why I wanted ten. My brother on the other hand, he was helping with every single chore because he had such an _immense_ debt to pay for his swear jar!"

"You've got to be kidding."

"Absolutely not! That boy spent half of his day cleaning dishes and mopping the floor because his swear jar debt bankrupted him."

"Your parents are ruthless."

"That can't be denied. I had to help him. God we looked like brutalized raccoons."

It was always these types if moments where small slips of her life revealed. Yet as often as they were, Hange noticed that they never revealed much. And the subject of her brother, Finnick? All Hange knew were that one, she hated him with all her guts and that person was the only person that Ethel had actively said she hated. Two, the scar on her left arm came from a childhood incident. And three, from what Hange gathered using old newspapers, Finnick had been declared dead from absentia.

The draconian measures Levi took to force the improvement of Ethel's body were unambiguous and callous. He never muttered a single word about the trial, as if it never even happened. it was understandable enough, and everyone seemed to pick up on the cue. Things went back to the way they once were, with Levi being a part of it. 

Hange still salivates to Ethel about the wonders of titans. When her friend wasn't there to listen to her hypotheses, Nanaba was the next choice. 

All members of the Special Operations Squad were extraordinary soldiers. They were often in the top ten graduates, except for Ethel. She was already there when Erwin took over the role of Captain after the former's death. When Levi was officaly declared to be with him, it took the man some time to fit in. 

He wasn't a team player. Levi worked best alone because he didn't need the assistance of a team. His proficiency in all categories backs him up in that flaw. Nevertheless, he still makes somewhat of an effort to work alongside the team.

"How's duo training going?"

"Brutal but efficient." The former medic smiled in response, leaning against the tree. Her hand was on her ankle, and she sat against the tree. After an accidental tangling of wires with Levi, she had slowed the descent with her foot. It wasn't a good idea. 

"How about Levi?"

"He's a fast learner, and good at arithmetics. He can read now at below the average speed. I'm trying to improve his penmanship."

"Shouldn't the focus be on the other parts he still needs to catch up on?"

"Don't tell you can read half of what he's writing without guessing."

He stayed quiet. 

"It's normal. His position while writing isn't the best. He has poor motor movements. It's likely that he never held a pen in his life. To top it off, he's ambidextrous. Feels the same when writing with any of his hands."

"Thank you for that."

"No need."

"Have you gathered enough information?"

She nodded, rubbing the back of her neck, her hands till on her sprained ankle. "I still need the materials, that's all." She added quietly, her eyes fixated on the figures moving about in the air. "I'll be late for curfew. I'm meeting up with someone who has them, if that's fine with you."

"Do what you need, and cover your tracks."

"Don't worry, I will."

She flinched when a weight suddenly sat down across from her. A mouth of flavorless mash potatoes still in her mouth, she swallowed it in, staring at the soldier who sat in front of her. 

Levi sent a stoic glance her way, before answering the question she seemed to have. "Erwin. Told me to confirm that you finishes eating."

To confirm that she came back. "Oh, well, thank you. How's your day?"

"It could be better." 

She nodded, taking a bite of the bread. Ethel stood up, the food still unfinished on her plate. 

"Tch, it's no wonder why you have a hard time getting better." He stood up as well, and by some compelling force, she sat back down. "Why aren't you finishing your food?"

"I'll throw up if I eat any more." She replied quietly, sipping water from her cup. "It's all bitter, and hard to down."

"Bitter?" The food didn't taste bitter. If anything, it's just plain old bland. 

"I can't smell or taste. It makes some foods taste more bitter and almost impossible to down."

"You can't get better if you work on an empty stomach." 

"I understand."

"Do I have to babysit you to make sure that you eat everything?"

"That's not necessary. I'll try to finish everything." 

"Improvement will be expected from you."

"Have I taken you to the hill yet? Where the larks sing?"

"You're changing the subject, brat."

"I'm not that much younger than you." She finished the stale piece of bread. 

"Ideals won't help."

"It's not about my ideals, something else that I'd rather not talk about, that's all."

As the cold water hit her bare skin, she flinched at the sudden throb of sharp and cold pain throughout her body. Ethel sucked in a shaky breath of air, covering her chest as the water wets her black hair, engulfing her body in the cold liquid. She stared at the purple blotches that sprayed and littered on her skin. The cold water highlighted them, and the scar that she wanted to forget.

It's hideous and jagged, stretched and glossy. No matter how long had passed, it only faded by a small amount. It served as a reminder of her brother. She touched the purple blotches, and winced as she did. A feeling of dread swept up, a beckoning voice telling her that it's a part of the process.

A light humming sounded in her head. Ethel shut her eyes closed to forget about the song. She forgot the name of it, but he always sang it to her while she was in a distressed mood. The song Finnick sang also became the song that haunts her. She would rather listen to that voice inside of her head.

Listening to that beckoning voice, whoever it belonged to, she accepted the fact that for the next few months, her body would go through a lot for change. 

The man found it to be a waste of time as she dragged him up the hill. He wanted to throw away the grip she had on his wrist, out of spite because Levi thought the time could be spent doing more useful things. By the time he decided to tell her not to touch him, the pair already reached the top of the hill. With a scowl, he used his handkerchief to wipe the area that she had touched.

"This is a waste of time."

She smiled softly in response, not knowing how to combat his words besides with the hope that the lark would not fail her.

And it didn't.

"Look." She spoke softly, pointing to the direction in front of her. A few seconds later, his sharp eyes caught the shape of a moving brown dot and the melody the air carried. The silence amplified it's music.

It's sweet melody was at first, soft as the wind carried it's song through the maze of trees. Far off in the distance was a speck of black within the cloudless brilliant blue sky. It's evocative performance had not yet reached its peak. Over the hill sat a quiet and voluptuous meadow, it's green grass and pine trees just as alluring to the eyes as the dozens of various colored flowers danced a song with the wind.

The ascension was the one of a bird of prey, as the passrine took off slowly and low, flying in circles until a small updraft arrived. It is captured under their wings, and up to the highest heights. It's melody arrived higher and higher into the sky as the lark sang it's heart out, as though it would burst with joy. The tiniest black spot in the cloudless sky, rising and falling in it's immensity, yet it's song seems to fill the entire space up with it's joy and etherealness.

A smile of wonder adorned on her features, there was a twinkle of amazement in her eyes. Her shoulders relaxed, and so did her stance as she closed her eyes, absorbing the song of the skylark swept to her by the winds of the atmosphere. Levi stood stiff, but his hands relaxed their grip, his eyes filled with surprise fixated on the small dot in the vast blue as it's tune enraptured him, wrapping him with such music he had never heard before.

When the dot disappeared, the lark finishing the last of it's notes, he looked over at her, her black hair flying behind her with the winds. She looked at peace, and so was he.

The emptiness that Farlan and Isabel left felt numbing, yet with the song of the bird, it didn't feel as empty as before. She had kept her promise to show him the reasons to stay in this world. Of all things Ethel could have chosen she chose the song of a bird. The smaller things within nature that one would normally miss were the things that brought her joy. Levi appreciated she didn't give him a task to do, or some extravagant show to watch.

Her eyes met his, and another one of her rare, genuine smiles. She thought she saw something in the dormant storms of his eyes when they met the forest green irises dotted with a band of golden flecks in the middle of her iris. His eyes seemed to have soothed up, relaxed, their dullness fading away for the smallest fraction of time before the storm took over. Levi, however, she had never seen his face in a relaxed manner, though still stoic, his expression had softened up. He looked away again, perhaps with the hopes of seeing another one of these feathered creatures.

"They come randomly everyday, and they have done so for a long time. No one usually bothers to come up this hill." She spoke softly, placing her hands behind her. "And to answer your question from the previous night, it's a pressurized expectation that never really left, I guess. I will do better from now on."

"And the second reason?"

"I would prefer to forget the second reason."

" Don't be a nuisance."

"I won't."

He understood now, at least where her self doubt came from. It was the reason why Erwin commented on the rarity of times Ethel ate with her squad. Though the idea was vague, he didn't question it further. A peaceful moment like this is rare, he wanted to cherish it. 

Levi silently thanked her for showing him this hill. 

If only Isabel and Farlan would be by his side, then he'd be smiling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There may or may not be inconsistent updates for the next three weeks or four. It's because I have an upcoming competition that spans 3 weeks. But I'll still try to update sometime in between :) 
> 
> Here's a fact to make up for it : Ethel's entire character is built up around her name. There's a lot of symbolism going on, aside from what the name Ethel means. This chapter gives a hint as to where I decided to use the name Ethel. 
> 
> I know that a lot of people prefer X Readers, and I love them too. I've been plotting for some other fanfics, and all the protagonists of them all center around their name. It's what sort of gives them their identity. 
> 
> In this chapter, there's two names that can give you an idea of what happened to Ethel that she never talks about. One of them is Ethel herself, another is mentioned but I won't say who.


	6. The Premonition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A night terror arises, one that she isn't unfamiliar with. Nevertheless, it brings back memories of a past she had once blocked out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me : I'll post weekly!  
> Also me : **Intense cursing over writing block**  
> Me 3.0 : I have no motivation  
> Version 4.0 : shit shit shit shit shit shit i have to study for that stupid speech and interview  
> Sonder's 5th self : Dude you decide to spend the last day before speech and interview to write instead of waiting for the weekend AND TO ADD ON YOU REALIZE YOU HAVE AN ESSAY DUE ON SUNDAY  
> Original Sonder whoever tf that is : YES THAT IS EXACTLY THE BEST JOKE EVER  
> Sonder's 5th : You're the joke
> 
> And guys I sincerely apologize for the short chapter, updates would now have to extend to every 2 weeks or so due to my *amazing* writer's block and my time management skills. I'll try to make up for them by extending some chapters, or adding new ones previously not written. Thank you for your patience

_The wings of freedom, meant to symbolize the freedom of flight among avians. With the wings of freedom, we fly as others walk. With them we leave our regrets and fears behind, and with them, we attain flight. We leave behind the fear of death, and sacrifice our own lives for the sake of humanity. To go beyond the walls, and to fulfill mortal curiosity._

_We leave behind fear..._

_leave behind the fear of death..._

_So why am I shaking with fear?_

_Why am I breathing so heavily, and yet no amount of air can stabilize my breaths?_

_Why do they still haunt me?_

Her body in a paralyzed state, the unpleasant reminder of sleep paralysis arises yet again.

The room is dark, only lit by a dim shine of light from the window near the headboard of her bunk. The light left the corners of her room eeriely dark.

Ethel laid there, unmoving as she waited out the minute for her body to regain its function.

She hadn't had such a terrible one in so long.

She sat up, back bent as her arms cover her eyes.

The oath of the Survey Corps, the promise for those who hold an unquenchable desire for mysteries beyond the walls. It's nothing but a mirage in the wasteland of impending doom. A sliver of hope for the hopeless, a home for the supposed fearless. Death lurks at every crack and corner, and no promise does it speak to make one's last moments better. Fear plagues the hearts, their blood used to create the jarring veracity that is outside's art. By the time soldiers have reached their ends, the only hope is that they've made their last amends.

Her eyes peered upwards, as the moonlight's dim glow shone weakly through the blurred window.

They were there for a second and the next, they were gone.

Their faces blacked out, their clothes torn and bloodied, skin tore and feet bare.

She looked at the corner where they once stood, and pulled her knees up to her chest.

She wanted to cry. To let out the weight that's been slammed onto her chest without warning. To rid herself of the night terrors which plagued her like a disease. To get rid of those memories.

Ethel knew those were only wishes. Ones that would never come true.

Not as if she would let herself forget. At least, not forget any more. 

The curse of remembering, at least that would serve good enough of a punishment.

In her eyes, remembering everything seemed to be the far better choice than to forget everything. Than to forget the moments during her life where happiness bloomed like flowers. Ethel closed her eyes, forcing her breaths to stabilize. Her heart pounded against her chest, the night terror still fresh in her mind.

_The crack should've been nothing but a voice in a fugue. A barely audible sound in the cacophony of a symphony of the forest. Those cracks grew and grew, accompanied by irregular thuds of footsteps._

_Fear in the day broadlight, something almost unheard of._

_Her throat burned from the sharp intakes of air, branches scratching against her pale skin. Leaves bent and twigs followed her trail, faint specs of blood sprayed on pale gray rocks and green leaves._

_There is nothing behind her._

_No one behind her._

_But why does the emotions flow through her body like blood carrying oxygen?_

_What is she running from?_

_Fear quaked through her body, adrenaline rushing through her veins. Desperation she breathed in, hope she breathed out._

_Her foot crushed a dandelion, a mere spot in the green undergrowth that laid itself on the ground like a carpet._

_Images of them burned into her memory, branded into her identity. Those dead bodies. The blood that sprayed near them. Faces blacked out, but stench putrid. The scent of death._

_She halted, falling back onto the ground hard. Pain spikes from her palms, as she does not even bother to look at what halted her in her path._

_How is it already in front of her!?_

_A snarl's echo carried by the wind to her ears, and she dared not to look at the creature in front of her._

_It wasn't there before. It wasn't there a second ago._

_The only thought in her head was clear. And it was all she could think of._

_Run._

_Get away from here._

_Thuds began, ones heavier than her own footstep._

_The day turned gray, and clouds loomed overhead. The sun became blocked, the day becoming dark._

_The thuds behind her started slow and rhythmic._

_Thud._

_Thud._

_Thud._

_Thud._

_She scrambled her way through a thicket of bushes, thorns pricked through thin fabric of her clothes. Pieces of the silk cloth lingered with the sharp edges, not yet willing to depart._

**_It's going to catch up to you._ **

**_Look at it._ **

**_Look._ **

**_What is this creature that is chasing you?_ **

**_What have you done, Ettie?_ **

_Like all those other dreams. Like all those other times, an invisible force, defying physics turned her head. It forced her eyes open, meeting them with the amber ones. Once dead amber eyes that rose to life as it met hers._

_The sounds of the forest had gone silent. The telltale sign, fight and survive or surrender and die._

_Ethel's face went white, a jolt of coldness sent through her veins, and her mind yelling at her to just get out. She tore her gaze away from the creature that was behind her, her legs moving as fast as they can through the endless maze of trees._

_Her lungs burned, the sharp intakes of air seemed to bring no air at all. Her knees threatened to buckle, her ankles nearly failing her. The muscles in her legs burned, wanting to stop._

_That creature, it was a tall and lanky creature, it's skin dark as it passes underneath the shadows of the trees that loomed overhead. Their branches that caved in, trapping her in an endless maze with this thing._

_As it peered from the shadows, just as she looked back, the girl caught a glimpse of it's physique. It's body was skin and bone, it's skin gray and sickly, hanging loosely from it's thin bones. It had an opened mouth, white saliva dripping from it's abnormally sharp rows of teeth that lined itself to its throat._

_It's amber eyes stared at her, and in the mere second of contact, an unsuppressed hunger flashed._ _It screeched. It's high pitched scream rippled through the forest. It shook the leaves on trees and echoed throughout._

_And so, her worse fear came true._

**_Run, before it catches up to you._ **

_Thud!_

_Thud!_

_Thud!_

_Thud!_

_It picked up it's pace, the pattering of steps growing closer and closer._

_Closer until she felt it's breath over her neck, blood dripped onto her skin. As it loomed over her, holding onto a grin like no other. Deep down in it's throat, she caught the melting figure of a hand. It's skin had rotted, fingernails uneven as it reached out towards her._

And so it had ended.

Ethel glanced at the other bunk, where Nanaba slept soundly on her side, her bleached black hair sprayed on the pillow. Some strands hovered above her face, which was covered by her arm. Hange slept on her side, glasses hanging by their straps near the footboard.

Swallowing a lump down, Ethel quietly climbed down, her bare feet making no noise as she made it to her spot in front of the window. The chair scratched quietly against the wooden floorboards, the papers scattered in front of her lit by a dim glow.

She wrapped a shawl around her shoulders, rummaging the cabinet for a match.

Striking it, a dim red glow radiated from its end. She lit the half burnt candle's black wick, blew the fire out, and tossed the burnt stick out the window.

Grabbing ahold of a familiar pen, she began working on the stack of paperwork that sat on the edge of the table.

Though the paperwork should be done by Erwin, Ethel often found herself taking care of it instead. She gave the more descriptive details, and worked her way through the giant stack faster.

The ink pen moved swiftly, calligraphic words filling the once blank paper as she wrote the reports.

Ethel knew enough to handle most of the parts in the paperwork. The parts where she couldn't handle would be left blank, given to Erwin to review.

It was just like any other night. Waking up from night terrors, sometimes finding herself unwilling to close her eyes.   
  


"You look like shit, Ravel." Levi commented, not bothering to hide his judgmental self within the gray irises.

"Feel like it too." She groaned, looking through her own ODM gear. "Second time within a week there this gave up on me. I might have to take it to the mechanics if it's a severe problem."

"Then why are you wasting time?"

"Soldiers can take care of smaller problems regarding the gear." She replied. "Such as adjusting the slide switch or fixing the wires back to place. For more severe problems, like the hook failing to launch not because of gas are left to the mechanics. And you have to pay if the ODM gear is broken beyond repair, since no one else touched it but you and the gear probably costs me my entire monthly paycheck. Mine just has a stiff auxiliary switch and clunky hammer switch."

He gave her a glance, one that Ethel found herself understanding immediately.

"They're supposed to teach you while training, but you didn't receive any." She carefully dropped a few drops of a transparent liquid near the slides of the handle, moving it to ensure that the gear worked. "You learn along the way some more. How good is your memory?"

"Good enough." He replied bluntly.

She smiled a bit, standing up. "I'll teach you the basics, most of them are general knowledge but just in case. If there's any complications you don't know the reason to or can't change, go to the mechanic. Her name is Abigail, you'll recognize her easily."

"You can dream of skipping training later, is your problem fixed?"

"Damn it." She whispered under her breath.

"And for your information, I know the mechanics of the gear well enough."

"Right..." she stood back up, adjusting its placement on her hip. Ethel had forgotten, after all, Levi came from the Underground.

Levi stayed quiet for a few seconds, keeping a watchful eye as the soldier beside him took off her gear again, mumbling quietly something incoherent. In front of him, his current teammates zipping through the forest. No words were spoken, they were seen through gestures and all.

It painfully reminded him of the times where he maneuvered through the skies of the underground along with Farlan and Isabel. How they first experience their first taste of freedom by ODM gears, and how it was the promise of freedom that ended their lives.

He bit back a scowl, refusing to feel regret. As stoic as he is, and even if he looked like he could handle any type of situation, the memory of their deaths were still fresh in his mind.

Levi needed something. Something to get it off of his head.

"Why did that kid call you a murderer?"

"You'd be surprised but a lot of children, especially those who are still naive don't fear titans. They see them as just big humans, or it's the way they're raised. The Survey Corps kills titans, they see murderers."

Levi quirked his eyebrow, acknowledging her quick thinking and her lie. It still didn't answer who "Julius" was. But he doesn't question it any further.

After a few minutes, she finally stood up, defeated. "I'll definitely need to take this to the mechanics."

"I could name ten things I would've finished as I was waiting for you."

Ethel smiled sheepishly, rubbing the back of her neck. She glanced up at him, then away, unable to take the intensity of his gaze for too long. "Thanks for waiting, just go on without me, it'll be fine."

"Should've said that earlier."

"The next expedition is in a few days. Are you well enough to go? If you aren't, you should visit the new physician. His name is Davis or something like that."

"I'll be fine."

Nodding, she turned away, arms carrying the heavy gear.   
  


"For fuck's sake why is this so difficult!?" A voice cursed through the wooden door. Ethel halted outside, suddenly not wanting to step inside.

She knew the mechanic well. Though Ethel doesn't consider the two to be friends, they're close enough coworkers. And if anything, whenever Abigail is in a terrible mood, it's a telltale sign to never step in unless she's deaf.

But Ethel has her gear to fix and training to attend. She has no other choice.

The noirette took a deep breath, and opened the door, walking into the room. A blaze of cold air hit her body, the familiar gas of iceburst stones. The stones vaporize into gas when above freezing temperature, and because they're abundant enough, they became the idyllic material to use in the gas canisters of ODM gear.

"...A-Abigail?"

"What?"

"Something went wrong, I don't think I can fix the ODM gear."

She nodded, groaning as her eyes traveled to the white mist that had gathered. Tanks of gas canisters laid on the table in a pyramid structure. One was on the table, with her stuffing cork into a part of the ultrahard steel.

She assumed there was a mistake made, and something went wrong.

"If I can sue those factory bastards I'll kill them." The mechanic let out another storm of curses, many of which Ethel had never even known existed. Some were spoken out in another accent, not completely different but it still had a subtle difference in the way a few letters were spoken differently.

Ethel didn't need to be told what to do.

She quietly settled the gear alongside another few sets of gears.

Her irises lingered on the gears, counting a total of eight.

_That's more than normal. It's probably the newer cadets, they might not be used to new gear._

Turning around, the woman walked out of the mechanic's workplace, the strange sight still in her mind.

_Ultrahard steels are hard to mess up and hard to break. They have experts triple check each process of the ODM gear. How do they break? Especially under the pressure of ice burst stone._

She shook the thought off, setting her mind to training for the rest of the day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I cut this scene out previous but here it is: 
> 
> "If you become titan shit I'm not dealing with that."
> 
> Ethe smiled sheepishly, the familiar sound of stone against stone ring in the air as the heavy stone wall door lifted. "You see, titans don't defecate. They vomit everything up."
> 
> "They just go through different sides of a hole, what's the difference?"
> 
> "Yes you see I don't like how you're partially right because then it would mean I've shitted out of my mouth before and I would rather die to a titan than to have that-"
> 
> "Shut up." 
> 
> \--
> 
> The only reason why I bothered to make some lines rhyme up there is because Venti has taken part of my heart and I don't have the will to take it back.


	7. Eclipsed Gladiolus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A glimpse into Ethel's childhood. Like the lamentations of those memories, a few of her father's words stuck to her well after his death.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I.... technically it wasn't three weeks yet *insert nervous laughter* Also when I said I'm editing and rewriting the entire chapters, I meant it.
> 
> also how did this story pass 1000 hits i have literally no words for that--
> 
> THANK U

_"Some of the most malignant of beings are disguised as the people around us." Her father spoke emotionlessly, his green eyes staring ahead without a hint of life in them. They were cold and calculating, pupils darting from side to side as he scanned their surroundings._

_They were walking through a dark hallway, people walked past them, their faces blackened and blurred. The corridor had little decoration, and was in need of maintenance. Some people bore smiles, others frowns. Most were not even showing any sign of humanity whatsoever. It made her think of they were even human to begin with. After all, this is just a memory._

_"You've got to be careful, Ettie." Alexander Ravel mumbled so that only his daughter could hear his words. She glanced up at him in slight confusion, but her lips remained shut. "Don't wear your emotions and heart on your sleeve, people will take advantage. A facade you must need."_

_They didn't look like father and daughter. Not with his cold demeanor, his presence that demanded respect and emanated a dangerous air. He stood tall, black hair swept to the side, forest green irises met with no other eyes. Not even the heterochromatic ones of his daughter._

_Alexander came from a prestigious bloodline, the Ravels. They were a family that could be traced back hundreds of years, back to the first king of the walls. The people of this bloodline always weaseled their way to the history books. Whether that was by marrying into royalty, becoming a noble of the king's assembly, a commander of the military police, an unrivaled virtuoso, or charismatic politicians. It was no longer an anomaly to see a Ravel in a history book._

_He came from a family of prodigies, but Alexander was bringing his daughter to his workplace for a very difference reason._

_Alexander had already decided, his place in the King's Assembly would be given to his daughter. Even at aged five, the black haired girl knew how to behave. She walked quietly, but not the way she was taught to walk. Ethel walked with a smile on her face, still innocence and naive of the place her father brought her to._

_It was not a place to be smiling._

_Her smile became the only naive one within the vicinity. Like a single white dove who's feathered were not yet clipped, who's wings were not yet torn, not yet bloodied._

_"Don't smile, Ettie." Her father spoke quietly, the two turning a corner. Even with no eyes meeting his, the man knew well enough that though they walk the road of life forward, one should not look back. Because behind them held only the worse of memories. And because behind them was when people had the courage to look up, whispering rumors and gossips._

_Who the hell would bring their five year old daughter to a military headquarters?_

_Only Alexander would._

_She frowned, squeezing her father's hand as they entered a corridor, their destination a door twenty paces away._

_"Why?"_

_"It's something you'll have to learn when I retire, Ettie." Her father explained calmly, wrapping his other hand on a door handle._

_"When you retire? You won't leave me and Finn, will you?"_

_He took in a deep breath, giving his daughter's hand a squeeze. "I'm going to have you meet someone, alright? Remember what I told you?"_

_"Of course!" She suddenly grinned, forgetting about the previous conversation, "treat him nicely and be polite."_

_Alexander breathed out a sigh of relief. Sometimes, the man wondered how he was the father of two jovial children. But at the same time, he didn't regret it. Alexander loved his children alike, with all of their flaws and idiosyncrasies. Even if he didn't love his wife, his children were the people he held above everything._

_She reminded him of his younger self, before he took on the burden of continuing the Ravel's legacy after the assassination attempt of his father and mother._

_Alexander's father didn't survive, his mother somehow clung onto life by a thinning thread. So at a young age of fifteen, Alexander was left with the burden of the family honor and bloodline, a mother without much consciousness to care for her son, a cousin who saw him as a role model, and his life on the line. One can only imagine the pressure._

_It was because Alexander was yet to be prepared to take on the burden of the Ravels. To take on the burden of the centuries long legacy left by his ancestors._

_Perhaps what added onto the pressure was that he needed to take over the role as Noble of Defense perfectly, but somehow manage to be a banker as well._

_Even at the young age of fifteen, he had been a banker._

_And Alexander exceeded expectations beyond belief._

_Because when history books write the Ravels as some sort of legendary family, they weren't kidding. They were a bloodline to be admired, and marrying into the family is hard itself. Alexander was born as a genius. And it was his intelligence that people admired and respected him heavily for. Perhaps it is his intelligence that he knew what was wrong with his son from the start. And why his daughter, a girl who is too jovial even towards strangers is a better fit to be the matriarch._

_The door opened, revealing a man with brown hair and matching brown eyes wearing the formal uniform of the army. He had rectangular glasses and a slight stubble._

_The man in front of them was the new general of the entire military._

_Alexander smiled politely at the man, who stood a few centimeters taller than him. He held out his hand, waiting for the other to shake it._

_But before the brunette could, Alexander's daughter seemed to have forgotten all etiquette. She beamed at the man, jumping and waving at him. He knew this scheme of his daughter's too well._

_"Mister Z....zarius? No. Zachary? Dare devil? Ehehe, I'm sorry mister, I can't remember names very well." The girl giggled sheepishly, still beaming. "But I'm really excited to meet you!"_

_Darius Zackley definitely didn't expect to meet his superior nor his daughter, who was the complete opposite of her father. Nevertheless, he broke his facade, bending down to smile warmly at the five year old. "It's Darius Zackley."_

_"Mister Zaccky! So that's your name!"_

_Alexander met his forehead with the palm of his hand, smiling in amusement at his daughter and her idiosyncrasy at always messing up people's names on purpose. Ethel had a good memory, and he knew she remembered Darius Zackley' name. But the girl had a charm to her, like all kids, by being a kid._

_And did it work on him?_

_No._

_Well yes, most of the time._

_But no one needed to know that._

_"I apologize, Darius." Alexander offered a sympathetic look. "Ettie calls people by nicknames, it means she thinks that you're her friend. She calls her piano teacher Mary. His name is Maurice."_

_"What's her name?"_

_"Ethel."_

_"We're friends!?" She stared up at her dad, then at Zackley. "We're friends!" She declared. "Oh and I got something for you, Zaccky!"_

_Darius didn't bother correcting the girl. He only looked at her fondly. It had been a long time since people treated him as one of their own. And Alexander, despite knowing his origins as a former slave, still respected him and entrusted him the title of General._

_"Do you know where I come from, Ethel?"_

_"I do. You worked really really hard when you were younger! We really are good friends." She stared at him in awe. "So call me Ettie."_

_"That's a nice daughter you have, Alexander."_

_He smiled proudly, placing his hand on her hair and ruffling it. "I know. She's already got you wrapped around her finger."_

_"I also brought you something!" She dug her hand into the pocket of her dress, pulling out a bolo tie and a red pendant with a gold frame. The scarlet color gleamed, Zackley could only smile in amusement._

_"Ettie, that's the wrong color." Alexander frowned a bit, but still ruffled her hair._

_"Eh? Why?"_

_Alexander sighed, not wanting to explain it. How was he going to explain to his still innocence daughter of social hierarchy? But nevertheless, Alexander never doted on his children much. He had the reputation of an honest father. So he told her, much to his dismay._

_"Red is for the nobles and royalty. The Survey Corps wear green, the Garrison purple, and the Military Police blue."_

_She frowned a bit. "But isn't Mister Zackley a noble person? He's so young but he's already the general. Why does it even matter? Red looks better on him anyway."_

_Yep. Darius Zackley decided, this girl has him wrapped around her finger already. He couldn't find it in his heart to deny it._

_Plus, the scarlet color does look good. He could brag about it someday._

_"I'll take it."_

_"Then wear it everyday!"_

_He blinked a bit, surprised by her sudden enthusiasm. "Of course I will." He smiled, putting the bolo tie around his neck. "Now, what are you guys here for?"_

_"Right." Alexander cleared his throat, his facade coming back up. "I've decided. She's going to be the next Noble of Defense. I'm afraid that people won't give as much respect to her as they should. She's a good kid, plays the piano well and sings well."_

_Ethel grinned brightly at the compliment. It was rare for him to compliment her, and certainly a memory to remember._

_"Alexander, should we talk about this alone?"_

_Alexander looked down to his daughter, who looked back at him. She emanated cordiality, not a person to be in the position of a noble. It didn't fit someone who is kind, it's a position for the emotionally hardened and stoic. It's a role that required someone to form relations with the entire military, send people of a regiment to their graves every month, to regulate armed forces, the budget, procurement of equipment, and though its never happened before, plan operations for war in case it ever happens._

_To say that he was surprised isn't an exaggeration._

_"No need. She will learn one day."_

_"You are barely thirty."_

_"It's a hypothesis, that's all."_

_"And your other kid, Finnick? Isn't he the more fit one?"_

_Alexander shook his head, exhaling tiredly. "It's complicated, but Finnick doesn't fit."_

_"What do you ask of me?"_

_"If I am ever to die suddenly, I ask of you guide her." He spoke quietly, changing the subject as Ethel listened intently. At that age, she didn't understand much of her father's intentions. Nor why Darius Zackley looked especially disturbed. "It's not an order. It's a request, you may deny it, but she will become noble of defense one day."_

_".... I may not be a father or a husband." He bent down, meeting eye to eye with the young girl. She smiled brightly yet again, giggling slightly as she commented on his funny glasses and the stubble on his chin. "...but I'll accept your request as a friend. From afar."_

_"Thank you, Darius."_

_As innocent and childish she seemed, Ethel at that she understood partially. "I won't be a bother, I promise!"_

_"You won't, I know you're a good kid."_

_"But why did you imply that you would die?"_

_He only smiled, never really answering her question. "Ettie, the world's like that. Imagine that you're making a tapestry. You yourself is in charge of how that tapestry turns out. Whether it's filled with meager details that weaves together to complete a story of a hero, or you go with what you desire, creating the story of your ambitions. But every action, or detail has a meaning, no? The colors you choose sets the mood, your hands decide on its quality, and the threads decide on its durability. But one things for sure. The tapestry of fate is for you to weave, and whether you like it or not, there are times where you can make a mistake. Nevertheless, what is already done cannot he undone."_

_"Like how mom paints?"_

_"Hmm."_

_"I'm sorry, but Alexander. What exactly do you see in your daughter that makes her fit for such a role?"_

_Alexander only smiled, never really answering his question. That man is an enigma, even to one of his closest friends. A genius who's mind is unrivaled._

And yet it's his mind that led to his downfall.

Alexander Ravel had predicted it three years before he along with his wife, Artemisia, became victims of a gruesome end.

As she recalled the memory of first meeting Darius Zackley, her chest tightened a bit. Ethel thought that it was wrong to use her relationship with him to gain benefit.

After all, Darius had tried to be helpful. But weighing both the responsibility of an old friend's kid and being the Chief in Commander of the entire army, he could only do so much. Nevertheless, Ethel is grateful for those seldom moments when he did visit. Either to teach military strategies or to pop up for a few minutes to congratulate her on her birthday or achievements.

The best times was when he'd shamelessly comment on her performances. Ethel hated those moments, because Zackley had a sharp eye for mistakes. And though she didn't mess up much in her performances, he had the ability to read her expressions like a book and somehow convey them embarrassingly to the girl. Whether that was from her panic when she thought she messed up, when a piano string snaps, or when she just seemed to be too high on adrenaline.

But now the visits are rarer, as she no longer did celebrate her birthday. The most she got was a letter of congratulations and some sort of small present, often a music box.

Her thoughts trailed off as the gate to the outside lifted up, with the sound of stone against stone, her thoughts wandered back to her head. She focused back on the task at hand, to survive.

Kieth Shadis' hand rose, and in front of her to her right side, the signature mare of the commander. The white mare rose, neighing as it charged forward. The sound of its four hooves became the anacrusis before the upcoming cacophony.

The formation was simple. And like almost always, the special operations team led the vanguard of the left side.

In expeditions, usually at the first few minutes right after they escaped the confines of the walls, outside is a paradise.

Perhaps it's the few moments of tranquility the outside brings that attached her to the survey corps.

Because beautiful is an understatement.

Words can't describe the scenery.

And no matter how many times Ethel's seen the outside world, she cannot indulge in it long enough.

She rode in the outermost left part of the small formation the special operations squad had, eyes lingering as she awaited for something.

When Ethel spots a half broken tree that had burnt marks on it, she called for Levi. 

"Levi!" The former medic called while still keeping her eyes on her left side.

"What?" He asked with irritation, not bothering to glance at her.

The raven haired soldier rose behind her, eyes scanning for any sort of anomaly that would signal the arrival of a titan.

"Look to your left."

It was a sight to drowned in. The sight itself, he wanted it to be ingrained into his memories.

Ethel smiled upon seeing the wave of flowers in the distance, dancing with the wind.

She always saw them during expeditions past Wall Maria. And often times, even if it's raining, Ethel liked to remind herself of the beauty within the cruelty of their domicile. She recalled a lecture by a literature tutor who vehemently wanted the girl to read dozens of poems and write a ninth page essay on it.

"For fun"

Fifteen year old Ethel didn't do it. But in the lessons she did have with that particular tutor, she did find herself reading poems, even if they weren't her favorite kinds of literature.

The field of flowers fade into the distance, and Ethel mentally prepared herself. This field of flowers is like a mark. The line between tranquility and utter disaster.

"Titans appear more frequently after this field." She spoke loudly enough for Levi to listen. "Be on your guard." He didn't respond, but Ethel assumed he heard. Or she thinks so. But that piece of information wasn't crucial. It didn't really matter if he knew or not. "But keep your eyes ahead, the sidelines is something you want to avoid for now."

Because the sidelines are where the leftover corpses of the Surveu Corps are.

With the tree line off in the horizon, Ethel made a mental note to herself.

_There are less titans out here. Most of them must be in the trees._

_Is that a dead body?_

**_That's Kaiser_ **

_Don't look that way Ethel look forward you will not see another dead body today nope not today fuck no._

Titans usually eat the corpses of soldiers, but even the mindless has a line drawn between corpse and rotting corpse. They never eat the ones that are already rotting. And sometimes, Ethel wished they did.

Those corpses were always the worst. She'd seen corpses. It's turned into a part of her daily life ever since she was a teenager. But the sight of them makes her gag, even if she cannot smell their putrid scent. There would always be something.... chilling about them.

The way the corpses are limp, with nothing in between the skin and bones. The way they collapse after being piled up. The way nature destroys everything that is human about them. How the eyes rot, the nails fall from the fingers, teeth detach from the gums. And at that point, after a month, the bodies begin to liquify.

From the corner of her eyes, she realized that her voice was indeed lost in the wind. Or perhaps Levi didn't listen. She could see the way his eyebrows furrow, nose wrinkle in disgust at the rotting corpses.

Ethel could only hope. Hope that this expedition would not be as bad as the last. 

Except it was. Perhaps, much worse. The first knock of death's hand on the door, signaling the beginning of Fate's Motif played in an augmented triad.

Because you see, Alexander, even if he wasn't the best parent, he is a pessimistic one. And perhaps it's only limited to his children, but he had always warned her of the lull before the storm.

 ** _There was a lull that day, wasn't there? His voice chimed into her head again._** For the past years, it always came unannounced, bearing the parts of her life that she drowned out in the sea of memories.

**_The day Artemisia died?_ **

**_The day Alexander died?_ **

**_It was such a peaceful lull._ **

**_Fascinating, how you've grown to be less fearful of the woods._ **

**_But what happened there will always stay with you, Ethel. You cannot kill an immortal memory, not after it's been burned into your eyes and mind. You were once so excited to be a noble. You had a vision of how the walls should be. Problems that needed to be fixed._ **

**_But you've abandoned your duty, and there's no easy way to turn back now, is there?_ **  
  


Levi still doesn't trust his teammates. After all, he's known them for a month, and could barely remember their names.

Well to be perfectly honest, he just doesn't bother to remember.

More or less, he wants nothing more than to just get on with the mission.

Maybe he shouldn't have placed that much trust in the Survey Corps as well. Because he's currently stuck with eight other people on a tree, dead titans on the ground, and his teammate is trying to calm down the new recruits by bragging about how she can tell the difference between twenty species of tomatoes from texture.

Wonderful.

"You're joking." One of the recruits deadpans, their body still shaking slightly, voice wavering like the winds.

"Wanna bet?" She smiled a smile that Levi would classify as 'a shit eating grin'.

His teammate might be mentally unstable and he wouldn't even be surprised.

"Nope!"

"Oi, pull your shit together." Levi snapped impatiently, his eyes scanning the forest. Right, how did they even get there?

Well one thing is for sure, and Levi couldn't deny that. Major miscommunication through the flares.

Green flares were swapped with blue yellow and red, it was an entire mess of a mess. The entire expedition became a mess.

Between the signal that signaled the special operations team to group up and Shadis' own signal, the most prominent one was a purple flare for help. And now, he and his teammate are babysitters for seven new recruits and the dead body of their squad leader that sat in a very graphic position fifty meters away.

He wrinkles his nose in disgust, peeling his eyes away to turn towards Ethel, who knelt on the large branch in front of a panicking recruit. At least she had calmed most of them down.

In any case, he would've just yelled at him to get going. But this wasn't just any case. Yet most importantly, his teammate knew something he didn't. It's from the smiles, her warm yet calculating eyes when she scanned the crowd, and her cease of panic. Because both Levi and Ethel knew, the recruits are in a dilemma, and there's almost no chance that all of them would be saved.

Not when they don't have any flares and not when their horses ran off into the forest, guys now sprayed onto the grass underneath the feet of multiple titans.

They're over five hundred meters into the forest with no flares to signal for help, titans hiding within the darkness of the trees, and their equipment is broken.

The seven recruit's gas canisters malfunctioned. Or rather. They were on the verge of being destroyed. Even through the ultrahard steel, the gas compressed inside of it had gotten to a pressure so high, the metals burst. That was what led to the death of their squad leader, Jonah Templer. Metal shards were encased in his body. Or rather what was left of it. His entrails were strung out, blood and guts smeared on the bark of the tree, his eyes widened as the fear was animated into his expression.

As one of the calmer newer recruits named Katherine explained, they searched for weak spots within the steel, and found one in all of them. Katherine claimed to be the daughter of a mechanic herself, she knew how to look for these weak spots.

Ultrahard steel, as its name suggests, is extremely tough to break. But because of its hardness, it makes it easy to look for any areas that are considered a weak spot, or places where the manufacturing made a mistake. And reasonably speaking, mistakes were rare.

At least that was what Ethel whispered to him, not wanting to spill whatever thought she had in mind.

But for someone who's optimistic, when it came to this situation, he didn't understand how her thoughts immediately went to the worse scenario possible.

"If you don't think, you'll die here." He added onto his earlier remark, eyes searching for the titans. But it's useless. The day's sunshine had been taken away, replaced by gray clouds and pouring rain.

"I've got a plan." Ethel smiled a bit, looking back at him. Levi does too, and he reckons it's the same one she has. "But first, what's everyone's names?"

"There isn't time for-"

"I already know yours, Levi. What's everyone's names?"

"Tch." He clicked his tongue in irritation.

"Kennet." The shaking recruit that she had been comforting mumbled.

"Katherine." She had been the calmer one earlier, a tall stature and blonde hair tied into a bun.

"Ann." Came the same monotone voice. The recruit worse her sash strangely, but Levi didn't bother making a comment on that.

"Julian." A blonde with glasses spoke shakily, voice wavering. She adjusted her glasses, wiping the lens.

"Maxon."

"Axel."

Those two were twins. Brown hair and blue eyes with the same face and physique. Levi detested their height.

"Brand on! Get it? Haha? Brandon?"

.... he doesn't even want to make a comment on that joke.

"And you?" Ethel stood up, patting her pants to glance at the last recruit. The brunette held a sour expression, arms crossed and eyes piercing.

He immediately feels that something is off.

"Does it even matter when all that's going to happen is that we are going to die?" The words came out bitter, and Levi bit on his tongue to not lose his temper.

"Living through his isnt guaranteed. Nor is dying. It will be easier for me to direct you if I know you names. Besides, I remember you guys from the physical exam a few months back. Helps with assigning positions too." She smiled reassuringly.

"You have a plan? For us to die?"

"Ruth, she's our superior! Don't be so rude." Julian whispered loudly, only to receive a threatening glare from the girl.

"Tch. Superior or not I don't give a shit."

"Let's start off with the first plan." She craned her neck, looking over towards Levi, then tilting her head. "Levi can report back to the others to receive supplies."

"And if that doesn't work?" Came the curt question from Ruth.

"Have some faith in him." She exhaled, placing her hands on her hips. "I'll stay with you guys, in case some abnormal comes."

"Isn't he the better fighter?"

"Therefore he has the higher chance of reporting back and surviving."

"Then what if they won't bring supplies?"

"We resort to plan B." She smiled giddily, unfitting of the dilemma she has somehow wedged herself in. "And that one you may not like so much. I doubt plan b will work. Plan C is better.

Maxon quirked an eyebrow, but not asking anything. Ann is the one to do it instead.

"What's plan b?"

"We go through the forest using the trees. It's close enough for everyone to go through. But there's a problem, and I doubt we can. There's only two of us, and assuming Levi isn't able to get back, I'll run out of gas. Your grappling hooks need gas to be launched. Titans may be perched on there."

"Someone else should've came." Ruth clicked her tongue.

"Plan C, is one that you may not like as much." She craned her neck, pointing her blade towards a section of the forest where a clear trail was. "That trail was made through decades of horse hooves trampling on them. It gives us a clearing. You will have to put faith in me for you guys to run through the five hundred meters and survive."

"Someone will die, won't they?"

"You can't say that for sure, Ruth." Ethel smiled back.

"I refuse to."

**_Remember that mechanic from before?_ **

_The noirette took a deep breath, and opened the door, walking into the room. A blaze of cold air hit her body, the familiar gas of iceburst stones. The stones vaporize into gas when above freezing temperature, and because they're abundant enough, they became the idyllic material to use in the gas canisters of ODM gear._

_"...A-Abigail?"_

_"What?"_

_"Something went wrong, I don't think I can fix the ODM gear."_

_She nodded, groaning as her eyes traveled to the white mist that had gathered. Tanks of gas canisters laid on the table in a pyramid structure. One was on the table, with her stuffing cork into a part of the ultrahard steel._

_She assumed there was a mistake made, and something went wrong._

_"If I can sue those factory bastards I'll kill them." The mechanic let out another storm of curses, many of which Ethel had never even known existed. Some were spoken out in another accent, not completely different but it still had a subtle difference in the way a few letters were spoken differently._

_Ethel didn't need to be told what to do._

_She quietly settled the gear alongside another few sets of gears._

_Her irises lingered on the gears, counting a total of eight._

_That's more than normal. It's probably the newer cadets, they might not be used to new gear._

_Turning around, the woman walked out of the mechanic's workplace, the strange sight still in her mind._

_Ultrahard steels are hard to mess up and hard to break. They have experts triple check each process of the ODM gear. How do they break? Especially under the pressure of ice burst stone._

_She shook the thought off, setting her mind to training for the rest of the day._

"Ruth." The tone of her voice changed. Levi can't exactly pinpoint it, but it felt as if the facade she always wore finally fell off. Her forest green eyes held a dangerous glint to it that flashed for a brief moment. Her voice was quiet and low enough so that only the brunette in front of her could hear. Other than "Abigail's the better actor."

The look in the woman's eyes told her enough.

Ethel spoke an unspoken message. Because the pieces had all came together from that strange encounter the days before. Ruth only gave her an alarmed look, her lips a thin white line, no more retorts coming from her throat.

**_Remember what your father always said?_ **

"Oi, Ravel. What are you shitting on about?"

"Head on Levi, if you can't get them to help, I'll handle it." She flashed a grin, the change of expression happening within milliseconds. He clicked his tongue in annoyance before taking one last look at the trail. Levi jumped off, sending his grappling hook towards the nearest tree, propelling himself forward with the gas.

"Isn't there any other plan?" Julian asked, adjusting her glasses nervously.

"Yes. You have three more." She spoke sarcastically, holding up her hand. "One, wait here and dehydrate to death. Two, wait for an abnormal to come and eat everyone. Or three, you end your lives early. Not many options considering the situation." The noirette shook her head, leaning her back against the tree but flashing a reassuring smile. "We'll have to wait for him. But in the meantime, calm down. I'll take care of any titans if they come."

**_Are you even strong enough?_ **

Ethel knew the recruits were wary and terrified. Why wouldn't they be? Their equipment malfunctions and they've been told that there is a chance that no rescue will arrive. Her chest clenched when she saw hopeless expressions on their faces.

Ethel truly did want to save them.

**_But can you?_ **

Perhaps it was out of guilt from that one time years back. But it's a memory she doesn't want to know again. The guilt and pain it brought was familiar to her by now, and she forced herself to maintain the optimistic expression, eyes scanning the area for titans.

She knew if she looked confident enough, they would feel a bit better. Even if it's only by a minuscule margin, it's enough.

Julian clasped her hands together, eyes closed and she whispered inaudible words of prayers. Katherine had her arm wrapped around the blonde. Maxon and Axel were sitting together, the twins sharing a silent moment.

Ethel tore her eyes from the group, trying to think of any other plan that could get them out alive.

So they waited.

And waited.

Until a flare came up.

Or rather two.

When the blue and yellow flare appeared over the maze of trees, her heart stopped, breathing hitched.

_Shit._

_Mission terminated, retreat._

_Is this one of those mix ups again?_

_What if it's not?_

_What's the original meaning?_

_What if they already fixed the flares by using the emergency batch?_

"Well shit." Brandon began to laugh nervously, forgetting with his fingers as he blinked, hoping that the colors were an illusion.

_Get yourself together, Ethel._

Ethel inhaled sharply, standing up. "Plan C it is."

"What's plan C again?" Katherine glanced up, her arm still wrapped around the shoulders of her shaking friend.

The sound of metal against metal broke the seconds of silence as she pointed towards the trail. "There. We are roughly five hundred meters from the exit of the forest. But once we are within view, which is around fifty meters, we will receive help. In that four hundred and fifty meters beforehand, you will have to run as fast as you can, and trust me. I'll eliminate the titans that stand in the way, but when you run you have to keep running and not look back, even if a titan is in front of you."

"I-I-If it's in front of us, won't we d-die?" Julian stutters nervously, her face turned pale.

"I'm going to be honest with you here, a titan can only get so many people depending on its size. You still have your blades, defend yourself with it. I can only take care of so many titans at once."

"No I don't want to do this anymore. No. No. I'd rather just hit the ground and snap my-"

"Kennet." Her voice turned soft, almost gentle yet stern. "You have two choices. Either you come along with the plan and run as if death is right behind you or I knock you out and have someone carry you. I hope you understand the outcomes of both. Either you slow someone down and heighten your chances of death or you come along and survive. If it's the painful death you're worried about, don't worry, titans go for the head."

The last part was a lie, but he didn't need to know that.

"Realize. That if you decide to end everything now. Your family will be getting a letter saying how you died. Do you want me to write a letter saying that their son committed suicide and died in vain or should they be at least comforted by the knowledge that they died with valor? I know it's terrifying, for fuck's sake it's titans we're talking about. But there isn't another choice."

"Why can't we wait for your teammate to come?" Ruth snickered.

"Yellow means mission terminated. He isn't allowed to come. And knowing him, he has yet to care for his comrades by that much. It's either we lose our chances and wait, or we can go now and hope they will wait before departure."

"You really don't trust your teammate and yet you expect us to trust you?"

"Ruth. It's not that I don't trust him. I know him well enough to know he most likely isn't going to risk his life for someone he's only known for two months and a couple of minutes." Came the reply. She looked down, grimacing at the height of the tree. Her heart pounded, and the voice inside said words that are anything but encouragement.

**_You're seriously going to lead them into a death trap, aren't you?_ **

"If I scream or die or call for help don't come I would just be desperate for life."

"Was that a joke?"

"No I'm serious." She breathed out a chuckle. "By then I'm a lost cause too bad, but keep running. Understand? You guys see that switch on your blades? The black and white one? It's right by the auxiliary switch."

Brandon held up the handle of his blades, gesturing to the button. "This?"

"Yeah. That should loosen all of the wiring."

**_But it's not going to, isn't it? Because Abigail is the mechanic._ **

_It's worth a try._

"It works."

_Suck that up Finnick._

She blinked in slight surprise and relief, letting out a faint smile. "Lower yourselves to the ground, you shouldn't need gas for this. After you do, cut the wires loose and make a run for it in a group when you get my cue."

**_You're going to fail, Ettie._ **

**_Just like how you failed all of them._ **

**_Lyss, Magmus, Quinn, the patients you've lost, your mother, your father. Everyone in your life. Why do you keep thinking that there's a chance when you know there isn't?_ **

**_Why do you keep hiding the truth? And allow yourself to be controlled? Is it the guilt?_ **

"Will you really be able to keep us safe? From the titans?" Kennet gave her one last look, brushing aside his ginger hair.

If she was any more inexperienced, Ethel wouldn't be able to control her emotions and her expressions.

But she's had plenty of years in this sort of thing.

So she smiled reassuringly, patting her hand on his shoulder. "Kennet, I know it doesn't seem like it but I'm in the Special Ops for a reason and a former medic for that same reason. Medics are some of the most experienced fighters. I also hold the title of a doctor. Don't worry, I'll do my best. If you guys get seriously hurt somehow, I'll do my best to save your life."

**_Do you think you're doing this to pay for the past, Ettie? You do realize that it will never happen, right?_ **

**_What happens if they know the truth?_ **

**_What will happen if it turns out, what that poor boy says is true? Albert, you must remember him and his brother, Bruno. What if they find out that you really are a murderer? A murderer in disguise of a woman bearing a smile._ **

**_And is this why you're doing this? To try and fix your sins? To try and save lives when you know very well, some of them will die and you won't be able to do anything. It's a predicament that has no easy way out._ **

Though she had managed to calm them earlier, in the face of death, no one is ever courageous.

Kennet and Julian were the most expressive. Their faces were white, mouth agape as they breathed heavily, their hearts pounding inside their head.

Because in all honesty. It was terrifying.

**_Remember all those times when you looked down upon ants?_ **

**_This is exactly it, huh? Humans as ants, fighting to survive against oversized humanoids._ **

**_You're the prey, Ettie. You've always have been._ **

**_And I was the predator._ **

_Shut the fuck up, Finnick._

Ethel's hands gripped the blades so tight, her knuckles turned white. Her breathing was shallow, and she forced herself to stay composed for the recruits.

_Breathe._

_Breathe._

**_Die._ **

Inside, even the ones who seemed calm were not calm. She knew that feeling. The peace after accepting your own death. Out of the recruits, the ones shaking with fear still wanted to live. The ones who are quiet have accepted their fate.

She was glad that they complied with her, even if the situation is a death trap.

Without taking another second to waste, Ethel forcefully cut off the wires that attached Kennet to the tree. He too, was pale as a ghost. His hands trembled, lips chapped and breathing uneven. Kennet's knees buckled, his body tumbled to the ground. Wrapped an arm under his shoulders, she pulled him up, eyes lingering elsewhere.

**_He's one of the weaker ones._ **

"Maxon, pull him along!" She yelled, running over to Ann, who's wires were just not severing.

Pressing the blade to the metal, she sliced it off immediately, her muscles burning from the force. Adrenaline rushed through her as she shot her hooks up, yelling for them to run. Ruth shot her an irritated glare before too, taking off.

**_There's a reason why you're risking your own life, huh? And it's not because you care for the new recruits, isn't it? You do care. But you don't care that much._ **

**_This situation is as good as hopeless and you know that. You know you're not the hero, so why do you keep pretending to be one?_ **

The nagging voice continued, on and on as she killed titan after titan, her breaths becoming sharp and fast, the air burning her throat and lungs, muscles crying out for her to stop.

But just like what the voice said. Ethel knew they couldn't make it all out alive.

Not when titans appeared from left and right. Not when she only had split seconds to save their lives. And Ethel just wasn't enough. She wasn't enough to save them.

And in a sense, the recruits knew that already.

So when an abnormal shot out from the sidelines, lunging towards the group. Kennet, despite his fear, with a cry he stuck his blade into the hands of the abnormal.

Still, the saying remains. No one is courageous in the face of death. Perhaps it's the knowledge that once death takes ahold of one's hand, death never lets go. Death pulls them away, away from the face of the earth into an unknown land where the dead resides.

It's only comfort is that there is no consciousness to feel pain after death.

His second of bravery passed, and she could only watch as he screamed, his head nearing the teeth of that monster.

First casualty, a hundred and fifty meters in.

**_See? You'll never make it. You'll never be enough._ **  
  


At the two hundred meter mark, Maxon nearly becomes the second casualty. In an effort to protect his twin, Axel, the male shoved his brother away.

This time, she was quick enough to cut off its fingers, the hot blood of the creature splattering onto her face, sending a burning sensation in her left eye. It blinded her for a moment. Her body collided with a tree, but no sharp pain came, so she continued without a second thought.

"RUN!"

**_Yet again, Ettie. You've failed._ **

At the three hundred meter mark, her gas is halfway through, so are her blades. She's drenched in blood, adrenaline being the only reason why she's still fast enough to kill the titans in front of them.

In a series of quick thinking, yet another recruit came dangerously close to a casualty.

Julian's arm had been grabbed, and Ethel was busy off killing another titan. In a series of impulses and the will to survive, Katherine without a word drew her blades and sliced off her friend's arm. Julian was wordless from the shock, but from the warning they remembered, Brandon quickly threw Julian onto his back without caring about the blood that stained his body.

At the four hundred meter mark, she's down to her last pair of blades, her gas becoming low, and her adrenaline is fading fast. But the titans don't appear as much now.

Rather, there were corpses of them in front. And Ethel breathed a sigh of relief.

It was the steaming bodies of the titans that were killed earlier.   
  
  


At the five hundred meter mark, her blades had rusted and were nearly broken. But when the light came, so did the familiar zipping of other ODM maneuvering gear.

When they ran out of the forest, her adrenaline completely ran out.

Ethel's once weightless body because burdened with the weight of a hundred tons, her muscles nearly giving out on her as a hook slipped, and she almost tumbled to the ground.

Sliding her blades back in, she watched as people swarmed the recruits that had just ran out of the forest.

Without another word, as if by instinct, she ran over to Julian, who's silent but panting. Her breathing was short and staggered, her face pale, skin moist and wet. The common symptoms of blood loss.

"You did good, cutting her arm off." She mumbled quickly, pulling the blonde up to her lap. Ethel sat down, ripping off the green stained cape that Julian wore.

Wrapping the cape around the severed arm, she winced when Julian's pain was finally expressed through her shrill scream.

Ethel didn't blame her. Tying a tourniquet often hurts more than the actual wound itself. "Get her to the medical wagon, I'll be with you in a few seconds. Keep her wound elevated, I'll need to find the brachial artery and cauterize it."   
  


"So you were an actual medic."

**_See, even he doesn't believe you._ **

"Yeah." Ethel exhaled tiredly, leaning against the side of the wagon, her hands still putting pressure on Julian's arm. At least Levi's nice enough to engage in some sort of small talk.

"You look like shit."

She takes that back.

"Tell me, did it seem like I got kicked out of the position as a medic?"

"Close enough."

"I'm a doctor too. Took the tests and all, not a self proclaimed title."

"How old are you?" It sounded more as an insult than anything else.

"I'm forever young." She flashed a grin.

He clicked his tongue, obviously annoyed with her antics. But out of curiosity, Levi set his irritation aside. "Why did you have them run through the forest?"

"You guys shot the retreat and mission terminated flare. I didn't know if it was a mistake or Shadis was telling me to abandon them. If it was a mistake, then oh well we get assistance halfway through. If it was to abandon them, I figured you would have to wait for a few minutes to get the bodies and load them up. Might as well make use of those few minutes."

"...and Levi," she spoke again after a minute of silence, her eyes on the hands that placed pressure on Julian's arm. It was drenched in scarlet, but she didn't seem to mind. "Was Abigail one of the people who went MIA?"

"KIA." He corrected. "They found half of her corpse."

"Gosh darn it."

"Does it relate to the malfunctioning gas canisters?"

"Yeah, it does." Came the short reply. "Only the mechanics would have the material to somehow make the ultrahard steel harder. I'm assuming she heated parts of the gas canisters to a degree that weakened the steel. And then cooled it off slowly. It's a common technique to make softer metals. Perhaps she weakened it too much on one, which explained the broken canisters I saw the other day. But under pressure of the iceburst stone's releasing gas, and given the amount of pressure and time, it would need to be carefully calculated."

"What are you suggesting? That this is planned?"

She let out a sheepish chuckle, shaking her head. "What would you do if I say yes?"

"..."

"These things don't just happen by themself, Levi." She murmured softly, that smile still adorned on her lips as she checked on Julian's pulse.

The Survey Corps awaited in front of Wall Maria, waiting for the gates to lift, waiting to reach safety.

"I'm going to report this to Shadis," Ethel finally looked away, turning her attention back to the unconscious blonde on her lap, "and hopefully the military police takes action. Other than that, I doubt there's much they can even look into. Unfortunately, there is no evidence except a statement."

**_Why are you telling him this?_ **

**_You think he will believe you? That's there's actually something wrong?_ **

**_Do they ever believe you?_ **

**_No they don't._ **

**_After everything. You really think they're going to believe you?_ **

**_It seems like your dreams really will stay as dreams. Nothing but a wistful hope for the future that will never arrive, Ettie._ **

_Blame yourself for that, Finnick._

"In the Underground, plans like these aren't rare. If that shithead's head is big enough, it could be pulled off."

She blinked in surprise, her mouth open but no words coming out.

".... what's wrong with you?" He spoke after a few seconds of silence.

"Everything." She flashed a lopsided grin, sarcasm laced heavily in her tone. It was a complete 180 turn from her tone before, so was her facial expression. "But you believe me?"

"No. But I agree with you. It's too much of a coincidence to be an accident."

She held her hand up, as if she was about to hit herself. Ethel paused, realizing her blood soaked hands. She bit her lip instead, still silent.

Levi's already come to a conclusion that there is at least something wrong with her head.

"Holy shit this isn't a hallucination from my concussion."

"You have a _what_?"

"It's not serious enough that I'll pass out."

"Ethel." Another soldier on the medical wagon spoke out. Levi didn't recognize her, but he presumed it's someone that the woman knows. "You're going to pass out."

"Nonsense." She removed her hands from Julian's severed stump, allowing the other soldier to put pressure on it instead. The scarlet has already covered her hands and seeped into the sleeves of her uniform, yet she doesn't mind. "I will not pass out."

The other soldier could only exasperate tiredly, clicking her tongue. "Pass out or I'll knock you out."

"Eliza. I don't care if you're a medic in training but that right there violates the code of conduct within the medical field."

"If there are witnesses. Just take a rest before you pass out again like last time."

"Last time I had an excuse!" She exclaimed, shaking her finger. "And it wasn't even my fault."

"You were the one who scared your own teammates so bad Hange knocked you out by accident." She deadpanned. "I'm glad I'm not your room are anymore."

"Eliza. That hurt." She wiped away a fake tear, but her hands didn't touch her face. She still knew that there is blood on them.

"Seriously, just take a break."

"I can't." Her tone turned soft, but the smile still on her lips. She took off the cape she wore, and instead began to wipe her hands clean of the blood. Though it still smeared on parts of her skin, the rain's drizzle washed the liquid away. "If Kennet's mother comes, I'll have to be conscious. I have to explain why her son didn't make it out alive, not even as a corpse."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eclipsed Gladiolus : The Gladiolus flower symbolizes memory of remembrance. The word eclipsed in this context means to deprive of significance. Ethel is trying to deprive her father's words of significance because she didn't follow his will, but not all memories are vanquished as a part of her still knows and follows his word. 
> 
> More about her past and the Ravel's reputation will be revealed in later chapters :)
> 
> So will the strange occurrence that happened this chapter. Kaizen's Ravel will have 3 acts. I've yet to decide on their names because my creative juice has been drained. 
> 
> Also yes the voice she hears is Finnick's voice, or what she remembers his voice means to be. No she doesn't have DID or schizophrenia, it symbolizes a part of her that revealed itself just a bit in this chapter that will become more frequent as the story goes on. There's no set amount of chapters because I have this tendency to add random chapters that I haven't written and are placed there for the sake of the plot. But I currently have a little over half of the story planned out. 
> 
> Also, if the question comes as how did she know it was Ruth, Ethel didn’t. She knew there was a chance that Ruth was just worried about the survival of herself and the others, but if Ruth was worried enough, then she would’ve known about the dangers of not going along with the plan and dying a slow death. The duality of that seemed weird, so that’s why Ethel suddenly brought up Abigail. And based upon her reaction, something was confirmed. 
> 
> Next chapter comes out in 2-3 weeks, depending on it's length and how much more I add :)


	8. Lamentations of Old and Fears of the Present

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A glimpse into the laments of the past and the eccentric occurance of the expedition that went wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Mentions of violence, aggravated animal assaults, and murder
> 
> This chapter hit me during a time of the amazing phenomena known as "Writer's Block" :DDDD so it took me a while to get the motivation to finish and edit. Nevertheless I finally finished it. Another factor that probably played is schoolwork.
> 
> And also: Please read the end notes for explanations if a few things seems confusing.

Jane Caron's her name. Kennet Caron's the name of her deceased son. In a sense, Levi understood why Keith Shadis allowed the medic to take her time with the grieving mother.

Almost as if her concussion had never been there, Ethel gracefully hops off of the medical wagon, her footsteps mingling into the cacophony of the patters of the rain, the slight howling of the wind, and the murmured voices of the people. The blood stained on her hands became a thin veil, only visible at the tips of her fingers and callouses of her palms. Her eyes drastically changed from exhausted to warm. Wordlessly, she moved towards Jane, who's stray strands of gray hair began to struck to her face as the rain poured harder. Ethel's hands dropped to her side, fingers slightly arched and palm facing backwards.

Panic sets into Jane, her eyes filled with fear as she reaches out for the medic. Her legs fail, but Ethel catches the woman either way.

Ethel wasn't a well known figure, but still known in some sort of ominous way for parents who have children in the Survey Corps. Kennet Caron hadn't been the only son of Jane that joined the Scouts. An older son of hers, Heinrich, lost his life years back. It wasn't difficult to recall the hysterical state Jane had fallen into.

And by no means would it be difficult to put the pieces together.

The medic who had formerly announced Heinrich's passing walking towards her, a sympathetic gaze in her eyes. The same gaze she had when she brought back Heinrich's cloak and badge. Jane opened her mouth, wanting to beg the former medic to prove her intuition wrong. And Ethel knew. Because of course she did, and she carefully grasp the mother's hand in her own, keeping her from falling to the ground.

As quickly as she realized the lack of her son's presence, she realized his fate.

Perhaps in a sense, the mere presence of this woman instead of her son had been what struck the nail into the coffin.

Kennet's dead.

He died in a land where monsters roam instead of peacefully in his bed, decades into the future.

"Did it hurt?"

Ethel shook her head. "No, I don't think he even felt any pain." Lies slipped from her mouth without hesitation, almost as if they were practiced. Ethel couldn't count how many times she had done this. Dozens, perhaps. And in a sense, she already knew what to do.

Releasing one of her hands, she dug into her pocket, holding out a slightly wet badge. Some threads were torn and loose, a small discoloration on the white wing. Jane took this with both of her hands, her tears finally escaping as a strangled cry left her throat along with the pitter-patter of the rain.

Like a mask, this badge who didn't belong to Kenner covered up a truth.

The scream of an anguished parent that lost their child. A cry from the painful stabs of hopelessness and the empty agony of loss. It carves the worst type of wound. Wounds that leave no physical appearance are the ones that hurt the most because they leave no room for permanent healing, the scars from them are everlasting, and like the wound, the scars takes no appearance.

Levi couldn't even tell, whether or not this grief and sympathy is what Ethel actually felt. After all, the image of her sudden change of demeanor still lingered in his thoughts. Levi shouldn't be curious, but he is. Perhaps it's because he didn't know which was a facade and which isn't.  
  


"She knew you?"

"You're so suspicious of everything, Levi." She chuckled lightly, running her fingers through her damp black hair, droplets of water dropping to her clothes. Ethel sat across from him, body slumped with her elbows on the table. Every single scout sat in the mess hall, chattering quietly to themselves. "It's pleasant nevertheless, you starting the small talk."

"The hell's going on?" Came the question, completely avoiding the one that Ethel asked earlier.

"Announcements. It happens when they want to announce something." She replied quickly, groaning tiredly, resting her head on Hange's outstretched arm.

"No shit."

"Aghhh this is boring."

"You're usually not that bored during announcements." The scientist stated curiously, looking down at her teammate.

"I made a bet with Eliza." Ethel smiled sheepishly. "And I think I'm going to lose."

"Don't make bets you can't win, Ethel." Hange sighed, her eyes moving away from the woman. "What did you bet on?"

"It was in the heat of the moment okay? She said Section Commander Harmon told his team about the budget increase. They're going to stock on alcohol apparently, based on vote. She went on about how much she can handle, I said I could handle more than her. Forgot about how alcohol and I aren't the best of friends."

"There goes the budget for fifteen days." Hange chuckled, adjusting her glasses with her left hand as Ethel still had her head on her right arm. "What's happening for them to serve alcohol?"

"There's only rare occasions when they serve alcohol. I forgot all of them." Came a sheepish laugh as Ethel finally sat up. She looked around, searching for her Captain and her commander, to no avail. The mess hall is still somewhat lively, but downplayed by the huge loss in the expedition earlier that day. A few soldiers are hunched over, their shoulders shaking, some stayed silent while others seemed their friends for comfort, and some stared into nothingness with their dazed eyes. The sight isn't rare, it happens after every trip outside the walls.

Ethel glanced away for a reason, one that her friend knew too well. Hange suppressed an almost saddening expression, instead opting to remark cheerfully then remaining silent. The noirette became uncharacteristically silent, her head turned to face the front of the mess hall, and for a brief moment, it's as if regret flashed through her eyes.

Still, it passed too fast for anyone to tell.

"Why'd you bother making a bet that you won't even do?"

In the Underground, bets were common. At least bets for money or blood. Ones that are not kept are ones that will end up in violence. Levi remembered the one time he didn't keep his promise on a money bet, and in return, had to defend himself against ten grown men. He was only seven, agile and somewhat experienced but not yet strong enough to fight off against ten grown men with weapons.

Kenny had to step in.

Ethel glanced up at the man. For a moment when forest green irises met gray ones, he saw something within them before they were quickly tucked away behind her serene smile. Of all things, it was vulnerability.

"It's called heat of the moment. And my stupid impulsiveness." Ethel groaned, covering her face with her hands. "Damn her." She speaks the last sentence quiet enough that no one hears it.

He doesn't reply with anything but a sigh, looking up to see her smile.

It contradicts what she told him earlier. Something Ethel didn't say earlier. _Don't ask._

So Levi doesn't, despite the conclusion from the small observations. Levi also doesn't like the fact that he's somewhat giving a try to get along with his comrades. And Levi knows why.

The more he understands them, the closer he'd feel. But at times where he sees the human side of people, Levi's reminded that they're human, and life is as fragile as glass. One single strike can shatter everything into thousands of pieces. He's reminded that if he gets close, they can still die.

_Just like Farlan and Isabel._

No.... He shouldn't get close.  
  


Erwin and Keith Shadis walks in not too late after. Almost everyone knew what would happen then, an unanimous agreement left unspoken but understood. Many stayed in the Survey Corps long enough to know from their superiors about the issues the current commander has.

It's not that Shadis is a terrible commander, but there were talks about him not living up to the expectations that he had to shoulder. Shadis lacks vital parts of being a leader.

He isn't charismatic enough, not assertive enough, just not enough, as word would go around. The man's surrounded by people who indirectly make it painfully clear that he himself is not special. Shadis shouldered an expectation too great for him to handle. It's a curse of the ordinary.

Kieth Shadis just wasn't enough.

It's a painful truth that she understood, though the reasoning behind hers became the sole drive in her life. The glue that kept everything together yet also being the hands that pulled everything apart.

He wasn't enough to lead the survey corps into victory against those monsters that dwell outside the walls of Wall Maria.

**_And you weren't enough to keep your parents alive._ **

_I guess we do have something to agree upon._

"Are you sleeping early tonight?" Hange asked harmlessly, shifting her position on the bench.

"Can't sleep tonight even if I want to." She murmured softly. "Erwin probably has a lot of paperwork he has to do, I'll be in charge of finishing most of them plus the stack I forgot about the other day." Ethel covered her face with her hands, groaning in exasperation. "You can go off and have some fun once they bring the alcohol in, I'll be in the dorms."

Hange doesn't blame her friend. She's had her fair share of bad hangovers and bad coping mechanisms. Though considered a luxury within the military, even the nobles within Mitra understood the soldiers needed alcohol from time to time. So instead Hange smiles for her friend, reassuring but not overbearing. "How about I keep you company by telling you all the current theories about titans?" Ethel only chuckled lightly, glancing over to Nanaba who's back is turned to them, the elbows of her arms on the table as she listens intently to Shadis' parting speech. "If Nanaba doesn't have a problem with it then you're free to go off. But don't sing a song like last time please." She held up her cup, filled halfway with water, bringing to her to lips.

"Will you?"

Ethel promptly chokes on the water. "Gosh no! Are you sure you want to listen to the voice of a dying goose? I can play the piano and I can make out the notes but I can not sing even if my life depended on it."

"What about what you said a few years back?"

"That was _humming_ , not singing. There's a difference. And it's something that a lot of people learn, especially if they want to be a musician."

"Shall I serenade you with a poem then?"

"I never said you couldn't do spreechh—sprechshmeh—sprechstimeh. However the hell it's pronounced." Hange gives Ethel a curious eye, tilting her head a bit. The noirette clears her throat, repeating the word to herself quietly, then eliciting a slightly proud grin. "Sprechspimme. Screw this ancient Eldian. Sprechstimme." Ethel giggled lightly to herself. "This is archaic Eldian I can't pronounce it."

"Sorry what's that?"

"Speak-singing. Singing-speaking. Ultimate multitasking." The woman smiled brightly, leaning forward on the table.

"Do you know how to do it, Ethel?"

"I mean I could but I'll sound like a dying crow. And I said earlier, no singing." She shook her hand, letting out a nervous chuckle. "My expertise lies in the piano. But again I haven't played it for... five years?"

"You should play someday, I'd love to hear you."

Ethel blinked in slight surprise for a bit, before a genuine smile is adorned on her lips again, chuckling lightly. "Let's see when we could visit Mitra, I'll do my best, Hange."

Satisfied with the genuine smile on her friend's features, Hange hummed lightly to herself before paying attention to the announcements again. "I'll be waiting for it~"

"As part of my thanks for making me feel better, you could also ask as many questions as you need if you want to narrow down some ideas concerning the physiology of titans."

The brunette practically shot up in excitement like a bullet, so fast that her knee hit against the underside of the table. She had a large and also hungry smile, her lips tight but her cheeks flushed red, brown eyes wide in excitement.

Ethel only smiled fondly at Hange, silently thanking Hange for being her friend for so long. She wanted to cherish these blissful moments, where the darkness that laid ahead is covered by the momentary glare of a fluorescent light. They're tucked safely in her head, small yet memorable moments which never fail to elicit a smile to her features.

 ** _Don't wish for things that will never come true, Ettie._** His voice tells her. It's nothing new, almost like a mundane routine at this point.

She wonders if his voice got distorted over the years.

Perhaps it did. It had been a long time since....

Never mind. Ethel would rather not think about that time.

**_What if Hange dies? What will you do then? You've pushed Quinn, Lyss, and Magmus away. What if she dies before you push her away? It wouldn't hurt as much, would it? What happens if Hange finds out? What happens if your dear friends discover who you are? Remember the time you told him about your life? What did he do? What do you think I'd going to happen if they find out?_ **

**_Don't you find it amusing, about what you once believed in and what you're going to do? And the fact that you know exactly what will go down and know that it contradicts what you're supposed to do?_ **

**_You're a hypocrite, Ethel. A liar. And one day, you'll realize that you should've gone with Artemisia and Alexander that day instead of stubbornly clinging onto the cliff of life. You've convinced yourself you have a purpose in life but do you really?_ **

It's nothing new. At this point, almost like a routine that happens everyday. A dreaded and painful one that is. Ethel knows why it's there. Though more than one factor is at play. It's the stress from seeing Albert again and being reminded of what happened. It's from last month when she wasn't able to save her friend, Kaiser Diamant and not even being able to bring his body back to his family, it's from the constant reminder of how the voice originated, intensified by her terrible sleeping patterns.

Medication never worked. She only learned how to deal with it, especially when the auditory hallucinations flare up again.

His voice doesn't let her to avoid what happened years ago. Sometimes it's his voice that doesn't let her sleep. It forces her to relive everything once again. And it forces her to blame herself.

And it's almost always there to ruin those blithe moments of tranquility.

Exactly just like how Finnick was.

_You've never changed..._

**_Why would I? I'm not even real, hm? This is just what you remember of me. Or who you assume I am._ **

——————

_Finnick had always been an eccentric kid even before the incident, his younger sister taking the full brunt of his strange 'humor'. Others doesn't really call it humor, but he finds a few things funny that other people don't. Other times they find things disturbing that he doesn't._

_Why don't they? It's not as if what he talks about is harmful. It's everyday life after all. Perhaps they are still young, whereas he grew up too fast. He doesn't feel the disgust of seeing dead animals as they do. He doesn't feel remorse for those poor creatures when their lives ended early. It's their fault after all, for not being able to survive. Finnick liked to think about that way. He doesn't understand why others look at him weirdly. And frankly, he doesn't really bring himself to care much._

_He still has people around him he can use, so why couldn't he just be... well... him?_

_That is until that morning, when Finnick finally realizes that the world will not bend to his actions. To fit in and to be considered normal, he needs to bend to the laws of human society. But why? No one's ever told him why. Not even his parents. They took him to doctors, yet no one answered his question._

_Why did he feel so detached? So....Out of control? Finnick hates that feeling. When things don't go as planned. Why does everybody act like that around him? What's wrong with him? How dare they act as if there is something wrong with him? How dare they think they have the right to lecture him when it is them that he turned out this way?_

_The only person that seemed to stick around was his younger sister and her small group of friends._

_Perhaps that's why he decided to stay with them. Kids are easier to control then adults, after all. Adults are fine too, he just has to use his intelligence, but he doesn't think that they're worth the time._

_Ethel, who has matching black hair and forest green eyes with a band of hazel in her left iris resembled her brother. The two looked around the same age, some even assumed they were twins. However, Finnick's older by two years and taller by a few centimeters. Though with matching black hair, his eyes are a viridescent color._

_When things have changed Finnick knew. He knows he changed. He needs to change if he wants to blend in. So he does._

_Finnick wears the mask of a protective brother. He doesn't care, he doesn't feel upset anymore. He's annoyed, irritated, and he's superficial. He stays on the side of his younger sister not because he wants to. He cares for her not because he wants to. It's because he knows he needs to._

_Sometimes he feels nothing, or a mix of all things. Those he discovers by himself._

_He doesn't feel bad when Ethel cries because he lost his temper once. Because his mask slipped once._

_He doesn't feel guilty when she's horrified of him because he placed the jaw of a cat on the curb and stepped on the back of its head as it thrashed and screeched violently._

_He doesn't feel disappointed in himself or guilty when he had her bury the body with him. When he threatened to leave her forever if she told her parents. And like the sister he had always known her to be, she complied._

_He however still hugged her after the threat, said it was a mistake, because he knows it's something she needs. Finnick only does it because he knows it's a requirement._

_He has to hold back the rare times he wants to genuinely laugh. Such as the time a doctor diagnosed his cousin Algar with a poor heart._

_Finnick doesn't understand his sister the way that he used to understand. But he knows it's important to stay on her good side, even if it means to pretend. Because Finnick understands that she will never understand him or accept the way he was. He stays by her side because he knows his parents favors her over him. Because Ethel doesn't have the same issues he does._

_He doesn't care when Alexander tells him that Ethel will take over the title of matriarch. Finnic speaks lies of support and shines smiles. He does care that he needs to stay on her side. Finnick doesn't love his sister the way he should, he needs her by his side, he doesn't care about those times when she told him of her dreams to become a musician. Or when the asked him about stories he knows. He remains indifferent. But Finnick tells her stories anyways because it benefits him._

_He knows why she starts to look scared, why she looks so horrified when he gives examples. As if the girl understood something he himself didn't._

_And thus his control over her starts to work, the stitches of the fabric slowly weaving together._

_Ethel is the closest thing he has to a companion. She understands things he cannot._

_Sure, he still loves her in a sense. But it's not emotional love, nor would he emotionally connect with her. The so called love he has for her is intentional, a conscious act. He stays by her side because he wants to and because he knows he has to. But when he loses that last sliver of strange love for his sister, he resents her for it. He resents her for everything. And when that happens, Finnick knows that it's only going to be a time before he's pushed over the edge. Before he knows he will have to do something solely for his own benefit._

_When she stops looking at him like a brother, Finnick resents her. He resents that he lost control. That she slipped right from his grasp. He fears for different things. He feels betrayal in a different sense. He just processes things so differently from his sister that Finnick doesn't feel the same way she does. So it becomes a hindrance in his goal._

_He needs to regain control._

_Fear. It's another hindrance. he starts practicing his response of fear. He exposes himself to risks. To blood and gore. He learns to control his response of fear behind backs. Sometimes he comes back injured, his pride would not allow others to know or to care, even if his sole sister still does to some extent._

_By that time, Finnick's long lost that love for her._

_Then, he takes the biggest risk he's ever taken. To regain control._

_He doesn't think it'll fail. He's never failed much before. His emotions are muted. Like covered behind a veil. He doesn't feel guilt for what he did. For all he cares, his entire family can die and he would be fine with it._

_But he still needs his sister. He still needs her for his benefit. And that's the only reason why she survived._

_He doesn't blame her for how he turned out. But Finnick resents her for reasons being that she could no longer give him the high it once did. The looks of fear on her face that once sent adrenaline rushes through his body. Yet for everything else that happened, he doesn't feel remorseful of it._

_If anything, the closest thing he's felt remorse for is the fact that his plan almost failed._

_Not even as he hears the scream of his sister when she finds the dead bird in the fountain, it's blood staining the once clear water, wings torn apart, feathers plucked, and beak smashed into the concrete._

______________

"How's your day? " Ethel drops a file in front of Levi just as he's about to take a sip of the hot water. Instead, the liquid flows from the cup, splashing onto a part of her hand and the table. The soldier doesn't flinch from the heat. Her voice is passive aggressive, though her smile says otherwise. "Ready for some work?"

He always found it to be weird, forced, almost. Levi's eyes moved to a case that she carried on her left hand.

Ethel took a shuddering deep breath, sitting in front of him as she slammed the file down again, opening it and turning it towards him. "Do you know what a typewriter is?" Her tone changed again, back to having the usual amiability it almost always has.

Levi shakes his head, maintaining eye contact.

"I think you'll need one of those. It's more efficient than writing. I checked your reports before turning it into Shadis a couple days back before the expedition. He told me you'll have to rewrite all of them. So here we are." Ethel lifted up the case she had been holding, unlocking the latches and pulling out the strange machine, placing it in front of him. The woman stood up, tucking the loose locks of her hair behind her ears as she pointed to the different keys. "Your index finger goes there, the index is that one. Rest your middle there, ring over there, and the pinkie there. Now put your other hand there. See those bumps on those keys? That's where you put your index fingers. This way, you can type up reports instead, it'll get some practice for you to get used to but you'll get the hang of it. If you made a mistake, backspace using that and put an uppercase X. Typewriters use an ink soaked ribbon. It takes a while. When your letters are getting lighter, either reverse the ribbon or re-ink it."

She pulls out a piece of paper, neat print scrawled on it with steps and subtitles. "I made an instructions set in case you forget. And it also details how to fix the typewriter and how to change ribbons. If you need more, there are some spools that are sealed in plastic bags in this box. But they're common to get among stores."

Levi took a few seconds to digest everything she said, committing it to memory before he gave her a nod, awkwardly pressing on some keys.

"Use these to rewrite your reports. I'll be back in a bit." She stood up, grabbing his cup without another word.

It took Levi ten seconds to fully come to the decision that in fact; he hates typewriters and their clunky keys. It took him a full minute to write his name accurately while wasting ten lines, and the entire time Levi had to hold back the urge to just smash the keys.

"I think I made it correctly." A voice murmured, placing a container filled with what he assumed to be black tea. She held another cup, and with a small whiff, he could tell its coffee again. It's more potent this time. "How's it going?"

He doesn't respond, but the woman leans forward, tilting her head to look at the paper. "You'll get it, I can type your reports for you today. Just tell me what to type."

"Your assistance is not needed." It came out harsher than he initially planned, yet Ethel didn't seem to even notice.

"I have to turn this in tonight and there's a few things I also have to do. It's more efficient this way." She flashed a light smile, her hands putting down the wooden cup. Turning the typewriter away, she sat back down, popping a few joints on her fingers before placing them on the keyboard.

With a sigh, Levi held up the report, feeling a bit irritated that he needed help. More irritation only arrived when he discovered that indeed, his handwriting is beyond comprehensible. It looked like some code waiting to be deciphered. Squinting his eyes at the date, be decided that he wouldn't bother trying to decipher his own reports. Might as well recall everything from memory. Pressing the cup to his lips, he took a quick sip of the black tea his comrade had made.

Levi promptly gags.

Ethel winces, a look of confusion on her face as she whispers a curse to herself.

"Black _tea_ or black _coffee_?" Levi had thought that the strong smell of caffeine he picked up earlier was from her cup. But apparently not.

"Levi I swear with my life that's an accident."

"You sure do look like it."

"In my defense... I have no defense but to say that I should probably sleep more."

He gave her a look saying _'like that's a good excuse'._

Ethel laughs sheepishly, her hands covering her face that had a tint of a rosy color. "I'm... _so_ sorry."

"You sure do sound like it."

She lets out a groan of defeat, hands still covering her face with her elbows that propped her head up. "This is not intentional I will swear my life on it."

"How do you even drink this shit?"

"I used to hate it. But then something known as homework comes up when my tutors decide to speed up courses. Ever since then it's been a loyal friend of mine. Or a foe, it depends." She sighs, finally gathering the dignity to look at him in the eyes. "How was the tea that Harmon gave?"

"The one _you_ gave?" Levi corrects her.

"Bold of you to assume I have money."

"Aren't you from a filthy rich family of pigs?"

"Ouch." She placed her hand on her heart, dramatically flinging her head backwards in pain. "That hurt, you know? And most of it isn't even to me. My father dedicated it to the next head of the family, which is my cousin, the amount I have got spent on medical school. It's expensive, thank goodness the program only took three years."

Levi thought of asking something Ethel would know, and it almost left his mouth if not for him biting back for the sake of his pride.

"You look like you have a question." She murmured quietly.

And of course she somehow reads him like an opened book.

It doesn't matter, he might as well ask. "Does everyone need to go to some stupid program to get a job?"

"No." She shakes her head. "It depends on what you want to be however. I cant speak from experience since I was homeschooled for a majority of my life. My tutors were told to give coursework beyond my grades and it was terrible. Graduate schools depending on the teachers usually take three to four, residency takes two years. But generally, if you want jobs, the best way to get one is to attend higher education. You would go to elementary for six years and then to high school for four. There used to be junior high but that was excluded for financial problems and the money is now being directed towards helping students graduate. After that, if you get good enough grades, you get accepted into universities. University programs are generally from two to four years, then you get your degree on whatever subject you're focusing on. Everyone tends to graduate high school at aged fifteen now, so you'd be seventeen or nineteen when you graduate university."

She took a large gulp from her cup before continuing. "However, there's work that doesn't require degrees or education. Labor workers, farmers get taught from their parents, janitors, soldiers. Getting a higher education is a dream for many, and honestly it should be available for everyone, but then again, taxes are also an issue. You want to get another job when you retire from the military?"

He sighs, remembering the conversation they had in court. "I'm bound to the Survey Corps."

She lets out a subtle chuckle, shaking her head. "No you're not. By the time you're about sixty-two, you're forced to retire. We can't have old men swinging around. It doesn't matter how robust you still are. Or if you get extremely injured and is discharged for medical reasons." Ethel smiles at him, one that he doesn't buy, but still, it's uncomfortably close, "what do you have in mind?"

"Tch, aren't you supposed to be typing up the reports?"

"A few minutes would be fine. Is it a tea shop owner?"

He doesn't like the way how it's too accurate.

"Why do you-"

"Your face lightened up when you talked about tea. Your tone became less harsh. You seem to genuinely enjoy it." Her eyes crinkled a bit when her lips tugged upwards again. This time, he could tell its genuine. It's dreamlike, almost, as if she smiled at the process of reminiscing a wistful dream, a small twinkle in her eyes as she shook her head. "And tea books are the only types of books you seem to like reading."

He opens his mouth, yet nothing comes out for a few moments. At least not the message he intended to speak. The only thing that he spoke turned out to be, "That's fucking creepy." It doesn't need to, Ethel has a frighteningly good perception of reading people, including him. Levi remembered that from that time on the roof, though he'd prefer to completely forget about that incident. "It's useless either way."

"I think it's not useless to have a dream." She speaks softly. For a few moments, Levi wonders if her words from experience. Her expression is tranquil, her tone genuine. "Everyone has dreams, futures that they desire to become a reality. Some work hard to reach that dream, for others it doesn't come as easily, and for many it stays a dream. It's better to have those visions for the future for they give an incentive to continue on rather than simply dream of dreaming."

**_You once had one, didn't you? But it was ultimately you who threw it away, wasn't it?_ **

**_You didn't want to become a doctor, don't lie to yourself, Ethel._ **

He sighs with irritation, biting back the urge to click his tongue. "That's too excessive."

"Really? I don't think so. If you do plan to achieve whatever dream you have, the best advice I can give is to not strive for perfection, just improvement.... Sometimes you can chase something for so long, until when you reach it, you realize that all you've been using has been a fragment of your imagination. Until when you reach that goal, it had already been twisted." Her lips tugged upwards as she finally looked away from him, attention sent back to the blank sheet of paper in front of her. Again with her protean expressions.

Her expression is wiped off of her face within less than a second. Ethel smiles jocularly again. "Let's get to work, I don't want to keep you up too late tonight."

That stupid genuine tone again. He's tired of her fakeness.

"Your smiles aren't deceiving, Ravel."

"Its not supposed to be." She hummed in response, surprisingly jocund in tone, resting her chin on the fist of her left hand. Giving him a cheeky smile, she holds up her cup, downing the entire cup of scalding coffee in less than ten seconds. "I just love looking forward to my own exhaustion, without making fun of it I don't think I can get through tonight like a normal person."

"Only if you're normal to begin with."

She lets out an airy laugh, shaking her head. "You know I would mock you about your height but I need a favor so I'll be nice today."

Levi really doesn't like the sound of it.

Ok it's not as bad as he thinks.

He takes a glance to the side, grimacing as Ethel held up Hange's brown locks as the brunette pukes into a garbage can. Levi wrinkles his nose in disgust.

Nope it's exactly as bad. One of the rare moments where his expectations have been exceeded.

Levi's here because of dignity. Because Ethel tricked him into letting her retype his month's worth of reports and had been shameless enough to tell him to lie to any superior. The reason why? Ethel had told him that when soldiers get alcohol, they're supposed to make it last a single week.

Instead most get blackout drunk the first night with alcohol.

It's just as he remembered, there's barely any taste to the beer, yet there's a lingering bitterness remained on the tip of his tongue. He's leaning on the doorway, looking out for any superiors who might be coming.

Miche and Nanaba are handling it... relatively better than Hange. Miche is just staring off into space, barely signs that he's drunk. Nanaba on the other hand is passed out, sleeping peacefully with her head on her arms as she sat slumped on the chair. Her bottle of beer is tipped onto the table, a few trickles of the liquid dripping onto the light colored wood.

And Ethel's doing her best as she pats Hange's back to give moral support.

"Im nnneeeverrr drinking again." Hange declares, only to feel the bile rise in her throat again.

"Yes yes now throw everything up and drink some water before you sleep. Don't sleep on your back sleep on your side in case you throw up again. Call out if you need the bucket, I'll have Nanaba sleep on the lower bed of the other bunk today. Don't worry about waking me up I have a lot of work to do otherwise."

"But I have to talk to you about titanssssss." She slurs, raising the bottle of beer high up in the air again.

"You can tell me whatever you want about titans any time of the day, Hange." She chuckled softly, putting the bottle Hange held off to the side.

"Mhmmm. Sometimes I wish you were still my drinking buddy."

"I remember those days." Ethel laughs lightheartedly, rubbing circles on Hange's back. "Maybe one day, when I can finally deal with alcohol again."

"That's neverrrr goinnng to happpeennn." 

"With enough time, it's plausible."

"Whhaatt if I diee before that happens?"

She's taken aback a bit, and for a few seconds, silence filled the room. "You won't, Hange. I won't either."

_**Time, as substantial and natural as it is, is a parasite. It clings onto anything, even things without life. And it takes. From living beings it takes their life, from stones it slowly erodes them away until there is nothing left but dust and particles of what it once was, from landscapes time carved and reshapes them until even the highest of mountains are not nothing but a hill. From even the most intelligent beings it takes away their life no matter what they do. It feeds off of the naivety and innocence of children. As a return gift, it gives a plethora of issues for reasons still unknown.** _

**_And for those reasons you think are unknown, you do your best to get along with everyone. Why? I'm sure you've asked yourself those questions before. What is the point of befriending them or giving words of reassurance when you know in the end, it will only be them that leaves you? Afraid that what I say will become the reality because you chose that path? Are you that desperate to become so amiable so that they wouldn't leave?_ **

  
  
  
  


"Congratulations on being Commander, Erwin. I apologize for being late, there were a few issues." Ethel smiled warmly at the blonde man who's scribbling away at a piece of paper. In her hands are stacked files of paper, a coffee mug balanced atop of the stack as she gently placed it down on the desk across from where he sat. "Or not. Depending on how you feel about it. Levi's reports are retyped. Can I ask for a favor?"

He looked up, quirking his eyebrow in response.

"In the expedition earlier, I'm sure you must've noticed that something had been wrong with the gas canisters of the recruits."

Erwin nodded, still allowing her to continue.

"I don't have any evidence as to who's one of the culprits, Abigail might've been one for all I know. Is it possible for the military police to look into this?"

"Yes." He says almost immediately, settling down his pen. "However, without sufficient evidence..."

"I understand that." Came the lighthearted reply as she settled her mug down. "If you want to listen, I can tell you what I plan to do to find out."

"Go on."

"It's going to be a gamble, it's worth a try. Assuming that you do go through with your plan of promoting everyone on your team, I want you to put Ruth Greenglass back into the training corps for disciplinary reasons. And when it's time for the squads to form, I want you to put me as her temporary captain."

"And what will that achieve?"

"It depends on who she is." She gave a smile not kindred to the meaning behind her tone. "I won't break any major rules, but what you strive for I'll give it to you with time. First, let me accomplish this first."

"I can't guarantee that the military police will evaluate it."

"Don't worry about that, Erwin." She gave a small wave of her hand, lips still upturned, spinning a pen using her fingers. "They'll have to. After all, they're the ones who supply the flares and patrols the factories that create the ODM gear. Who knows what's going to happen if a report gets sent to Zackley, suggesting that they're responsible for the unexpectedly high mortality rate. If you put my name as the person who complained, I don't think any sensible high ranked officer there would turn it down without at least considering the requests."

"You sound awfully sure."

She chuckled lightly. "You can learn a lot of things when they prepare you to be a noble. I have a wide range of knowledge at my hand with all the branches of the military. My father told me all of them in his will, and I learned a few myself with the training with Algar. After all, I was supposed to take over when I turn of age, my studying to become a doctor was considered a part time thing. I don't have many recent ones, but they most likely still apply."

"... of course." Came the reply. Erwin had almost forgot one of the reasons why he valued her as an asset to the military so much. She came from a background that taught her nearly everything that works within the government. Naturally, she would've known the darker sides as well. "I'll inform you if they take action. How's the plan going?"

He makes a mental note, silently thanking himself for maintaining a friendly relation with her.

"I have what I need." She answered softly, a glint of melancholy flashing in her irises for a split second. "Now I just need to wait."

"You have my gratitude in advance."

Ethel only chuckled lightly, standing up and doing a quick turn on her heels, careful to not spill the brown liquid in her cup. "There's nothing to thank me for. If anything I should be the one thanking you. The only other thing I ask is for you to not be a snitch. If I'm enough to ask for that favor, since it would risk more than what we could handle." The last sentence is spoken softly, barely audible, as if spoken any louder it would rip her in two. "In the meantime, trust me. I'll get it handled."

"If I may ask. Why did you request Ruth to be in your team?"

"She reminds me of someone." Ethel smiled in remembrance, her eyes say otherwise. They stare into something else, reliving a memory she had told him once years back. By the clenches of her fingers on the cup, Erwin assumed it wasn't a pleasant memory. "If I'm correct, then there's someone else at play here, and it's a past mistake at play. If I'm not, then there's not much you have to worry about. Abigail had no motive. Isn't it strange? She waits... three years before finally acting. I've known her ever since she joined, no one dared to cross a line with her. Even so, why the new recruits? They barely came a month ago. She gains nothing by sabotaging the equipment of newer recruits. And she gains nothing if she doesn't stay alive for that. Mechanics are exempt from expeditions. I went to the clinic earlier, she came to get a physical exam to be qualified to go about two weeks ago. Ruth herself, I wasn't so sure. But when we were stuck there, they were too calm."

"... what do you mean?"

"Exactly as I said. They were too calm. Even if they had accepted death, even if they were hopeless, it doesn't make sense. The group just doesn't make sense. Something is off."

"What are you suggesting?" Erwin furrowed his eyebrows, trying to understand his friend who held a solemn expression.

"... remember that time when I almost died?" Erwin nodded in response. "I was prepared to die. For a long time. Yet when that titan came, I still became scared. Same with the countless soldiers that died in my arms. They were always fearful of the unknown that lays before them after death. Everyone is scared in some sort of way in those expeditions. But that groups of recruits, half of them barely showed any signs of panic. I thought it had been because they accepted the fact that they would die. But no. That isn't a sign of an inexperienced soldier. They were either prepared for that or someone else is there. That's not something you see often in normal people. It's a habit you see in people who are prepared to end their own life. It's a sign before suicide. I might be going into conclusions here, but for goodness sake _none_ of that is anywhere near normal."

"You have a point."

"I chose her because she seemed to be the one out of them all that hates me genuinely." The woman quickly changed topics. "If I know the answer why, and if I find out what truly happened five years ago, then I could come to the conclusion."

"What happened five years ago?"

"She comes from the Greenglass family. She's adopted. I remembered her because the medical reports once said Ruth has a temper issue and had been known to badmouth superiors right in front of their faces. Also there was that information from the physical checkup when the recruits first came. I remember reviewing it and making a note to her superior about it. Her hatred is genuine. But why would she risk herself to danger if she wanted to." She pauses.

**_How does Chris Greenglass look like? Her adoptive father? Black hair, green eyes... oh...him... don't you remember, Ethel? Who else did Chris Greenglass adopt? Albert, don't you remember him from five years back? How about Bruno? What was your patient's name?_ **

**_He told you to call him Julius. You recognized his eyes, that scar you gave him so long ago, the missing index finger. You thought that it looked somewhat off. After all, you were the one who gave that scar to the same person who ruined your life all those years back._ **

**_Ejnar Julius Greenglass. That was his full name._ **

**_It's no wonder they remembered._ **

**_Why do you not?_ **

**_Don't your remember what one of you tutors taught you?_ **

**_But you thought he played you. You really thought it was him. Him who disappeared years back, leaving your life in a ruin, parents dead. Was it because of his middle name? Julius? After all, Ejnar acted almost exactly how Finnick would, didn't he? Surely, it must've been him._ **

**_If only you looked closer._ **

**_Julius Krediprenz, infamously known as The Double Agent who was the first documented man to commit treason in an attempt_ **   
**_to create a weapon so powerful it can destroy the entire royal palace? Him who was executed?_ **

**_You thought that he did for a reason, didn't you?_ **

**_You thought that you were right. But no, you weren't. You were only blind as you fell into yet another one of his traps. You ignored the fact that Ejnar did not fit how your brother would act._ **

**_Psychopaths don't often commit suicide. So why did he come to you? They don't often do things impulsively. They're calculated, methodical._ **

**_You never bothered to ask that question because all you had in mind back then were the dead corpses of your parents._ **

**_You saw him, Ejnar who looked so much like Finnick. Him who acted like Finnick, claimed to be your brother. So you killed him out of vengeance and hatred. But in reality, you still had that lingering thought in your head. That Ejnar is a pawn of Finnick's, and you've just thrown yourself into whatever game he spent years planning. And yet you didn't listen or see the truth because you were blinded by hatred back then, weren't you?_ **

**_Which reminds me. How did you survive back then?_ **   
  
  


"..Oh."

"I'm afraid I don't catch on, Ethel."

Ethel only shook her head, turning her eyes away from him. "Her brother may have been one of the patients I lost before I became a medic here."

Silence.

"... which one..?" His voice is hesitant almost. Though her expression remained indifferent, there is a mix of emotions within her eyes that Erwin's sharp eyes catches. Hatred, anger, grief, and _regret._ As quickly as they came they disappeared, hidden behind the veils of green.

"I've only told you about one, didn't I?" It comes out soft yet hostile, rendering the tension in the room thicker than metal. Almost as if even a knife isn't strong enough to slice through it. The melancholic smile she holds is for once, one of the genuine holds that Erwin could pick out.

It's this type of silence that Erwin reminds himself of his friend's secrets. The ones that he vowed to never speak of to anyone.

"I'll give you the conclusion when I come to that." Her tone is different, hypocritical of her usual demeanor. It's almost... sad. "Whatever I'd have to do, I'll come to it one day."

 _For humanity._ He remembered himself over and over again when Erwin had first asked of Ethel to help him fulfill his dream. _For humanity._

 _For the benefit of the majority. It outweighs my own benefit._ Ethel had once told him. Perhaps that's how she copes instead.

Erwin's mind travels back to the day a few weeks back, right after the courthouse allowed Levi to join the Survey Corps. He heard the shrill voice of that unknown kid, ginger red hair and amber eyes calling Ethel a murderer.

_Murderer...._

That had been the exact word Ethel used to call herself when justifying her motive behind assisting him. At first, Erwin didn't complete trust Ethel. Because who would agree to... _that_ so quickly?

It's ironic, how he used to think that the former medic had seemed so idyllic. An intelligent and amiable person who's one of the most hardworking person he's never known. After all, it's how she managed to push through medical school at a young age, as Ethel had told him. It's part of her identity that he's known for a long time. In reality, underneath that exterior lies someone who is imperfect, just as every human that's ever graced the land. And that... even someone who seems harmless could be blinded by rage and hatred.

"Erwin," she speaks again, her voice devoid of emotion. But the look on her face is indescribable. She fought back the urge to smile, to laugh at her own stupidity, to laugh from the anger and hatred that had risen up again.

"Even now, he's outplayed me again. My guess is correct after all, he's not dead. I killed the wrong person."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *inserts nervous laughter* 
> 
> Ok here we go: 
> 
> 1) Concerning the flashback where it was in Finnick's point of view, I just want to point out that first of all, mental instability does not equal violence by any means. Anyone who does have a mental disorder is by no means automatically violent or evil. Finnick is just written this way because he is one of the antagonists within this story. I did research on his condition before trying to write out his character, and tried my best to imagine his circumstance and what he would do or say and the motivations behind it. In short, his condition is psychopathy. And once again, everyone who has psychopathy is not automatically bad or evil. Finnick in this story is, he doesn't represent the entire community of people realistically who does have this condition. 
> 
> 2) Ethel's not ooc here, her character from the start has centered around her past. Though not as apparent, it's mentioned a few times that she hates her brother. And it's to an extent where she wanted to end his life. But due to a few reasons still not revealed, she's instead tricked into murdering the wrong person. Keep in mind that though she is intelligent, by no means is Ethel smarter than Finnick. Her brother is the more calculating and manipulative person here, that's how the mistake was made. 
> 
> 3) The education system here is different from the real world ones. In the world of AoT within this AU, it's not common for the nobility to be ahead in education because first things first they're rich and they get more privileges than those who are poor or in middle class, it's also the reason why Ethel got the role of doctor younger than anticipated. 
> 
> 4) When the voice in her head told her that she is only pretending to be amiable, this is partially true and not true. The true part is mentioned by Hange a few times. Ethel doesn't seek out help or tell Hange nor the others much about the less likable parts of her upbringing due to a few experiences and reasons. Not everything the voice says is true. A few parts are, others are exaggerated or just fake. But it serves as a constant reminder of the things that happened, sort of an embodiment of her trauma, that's why it never goes away. This voice thing is something that can happen after traumatic events, but the way it's depicted here I can't guarantee that it's accurate. 
> 
> 5) Finnick's alive, that's what the voice implies. It also implied that Ejnar Greenglass (Ruth's older brother but not by biological means) is related to Finnick in some sort of way. In her conversation with Erwin, she implies that there is someone else at play because the expedition that went wrong had something suspicious about the ways a few recruits acted and just the overall mixup of it.
> 
> 6) In the beginning where she gave a badge to Kennet's mother, it's not his badge. It'll be talked about in a future chapter.
> 
> 7) She can't sing very well, piano was her expertize before she gave it up. In the chapter before when Alexander said that she sings well, it's not exactly true, the better word to use would be humming. There's a double meaning as to why he said that. One of the reasons is (small spoilers don't read if you don't want to know - putting pressure on her so that she improves her virtuoso skills. Yeah, Alexander isn't the ideal father)

**Author's Note:**

> Brain : Hey, it's me again after failing you at the test
> 
> Me : shut up
> 
> Brain : Remember how you like horror movies? Let's write a dark story in some Levi fanfiction 
> 
> Me : You think I'm smart enough to write this type of story? 
> 
> Brain : No. 
> 
> Me : Exactly
> 
> Brain : But we gonna do it anyways


End file.
